New beginnings and new problems.

Its been a while since ive written here, I’m writing this on a notepad on the bus but I assume a lot has changed, I’d like to meet some of the new guys here.

But, anyway.. Reason for posting, it’s not really so much about me, there’s just a shitload of stress happening to people around me. My best friend is having the shittiest year at school right now and I feel really bad for her, which is nothing I’d be doing a year ago, but ive gotten different too. I guess life has been gotten more boring and I’ve woken up and started caring about other people.

Well anyway, she really doesn’t like her life and I’m trying to be there for her, but she always keeps her depression to herself and frankly it makes me feel worse, I don’t always know what’s going on. I don’t know if I should I’ve her more space or not, but I’m really worried regardless. When she is on Skype or whatever we talk about it, but we don’t hang out enough to feel good about anything. We’re both depressed and it’s not the best situation.

I’m not really even sure why she’s so depressed. She has a boyfriend and she’s getting better grades than I am. I guess the reason why she tries to keep to herself is she has two guys who look after her and she’s not as worried as she looks. I still just want to hug her as tight as I can and tell her that I’m there for her. I can text her the same words as much as I want, it just doesn’t mean as much as reality does. Which is why I hate talking about depressing stuff over Skype or text. Its not the same.

I hope that sometime this week or the next the weather will be nice and I can take her out to the park and we can talk, I need some downtime with someone I care about too. My life doesn’t suck as much as it used to but it’s not exactly in top condition either. I’m still single and living in another town I hate. I don’t ***** about it anymore but it still hurts every now and then.

I guess I’d be happy if I didn’t live in another town and I could hang out with her more often. Loneliness sucks. But of course the reality I’ve learnt to live with is that nobody can ever truly be happy and some things you just have to deal with. Its like a relationship that way, if one of them kept laying down the rules so to speak, and changing every single detail to make it truly perfect, the other partner would become overwhelmed and they wouldn’t work out.

Today at lunch we were trying to find a quiet place in the school to talk but it didn’t work out, our school is overpacked frankly. Me and her are trying to find a different school despite the fact my career plan sort of works around staying at the school I’m at. I’d rather have some sort of security in the form of a best friend I see everyday than be successful at my life, I’d work better that way anyway.

On the way there she was briefly talking about how she hates her subjects and how she honestly feels she’s going to fail a lot of things. I could see in her eyes she was about to start crying, it made me feel really bad. I wanted to give her the biggest hug ever but there were too many people around. She means the world to me, I hate to see her sad. But at the same time I hate it when I know she’s sad but she tells me everything is alright.

I’d really like to tell her how I feel. I don’t want a relationship or anything, I just want her to know that I really love her and want to be her friend forever, we connect in a way only we understand. I guess that’s the definition of being cursed with love you can’t express.

We could both off ourselves, but that wouldnt prove anything to the world and just make this place worse. My goal in life is to contribute to society and to make the world just a better, more happier place to live. I know I’m a dick sometimes and I have an opinion on everything, but I believe everyone is inherently good and most people just dont know what they’re capable of. I probably don’t either. That’s what keeps me alive.

Soon I’ll make shit better for myself and for her. I just don’t know how. That’s what tears me up at night.