nothing will come of it

So i just got out of the hospital for overdose about two days ago. Actually it wasnt the hospital it was the er. I spent most of my time there in four point restraints since i kept trying to leave. The only reason i wanted to leave was because i hate being in the crazy section of the er cause thats were the gaurds are and there not so nice. Then they put moved me next to a baby getting a spinal tap in case you dont know what that is its a needle in your spine i still hear the screaming in my head. I dont know why i did it psychiatrist think theres a reason for everything but my mind went numb when i did it so i didnt feel anything and thats the truth. I felt a little guilty before hand because my sister got into a car crash the day before and my sisters friend told us she knew a girl that hung herself and happened to be in the same er as me that night. I made up some excuse about why i did it to the doctor and told him i wasnt trying to kill myself. I told him this because im afraid of mental hospitals. Really afraid. I get a bit out of control in there and do stuff thats just not me. Im not crazy but i have done some stupid things in those places one time it was pulling fire alarms another time it was jumping over counters. But i go to the er and im always asked why are you here i f you dont want help and i think to myself what the hell are you supposed to do if you overdosed. Im probably not making any sense but i need to get this out. I dont even think i really wanted to kill myself otherwise i would have took them all but i still have several pills left that will probably used at a later date and the result will be nothing will come of it. To prove it after i got out of the er i went to an african party upstairs in my apartments