This is a first. I’m sitting in the dark, if it weren’t for the glow of my phone’s screen. Pathetic, is it not? The age we live in. Specifically 4:46am in the wilderness that is upstate New York. This place is devoid of all things meant to nourish – as a life long denizen it’s cruel atmosphere is taking it’s harsh toll on me. Too many thoughts, too many restless nights….the cold air has entered my mentality and is stifling all that may prosper. I lay here contemplating attempt #3. I have given up yet again. It’s been 6 years since […]
February 2012
And boy, BOY am I doing it wrong.
I have no traumatic past, troubling future (at least in anyone else’s view), or any of these other socially acceptable reasons for despair. I grew up with a normal family, normal income, normal everything. I really have nothing to complain about in my past. But, holy shit that’s what sucks. I am fucking bored out of my mind with everything. Everything is so bland, unappealing, status quo, daily grind.
So, obviously it’s not particularly anybody’s fault for my current predicament, except for myself. But that’s the funny thing. I readily accept the fact that I have driven my […]
I feel a little better. Not crying all day long, only here and there. Not paralyzed by despair and unable to function at all. I can see now. No one can, no one will, save me, fix me, see me. I’ve accepted and adjusted. Life is better because I’ve started planning my death, the details are getting me through the day.
Where is the bottom, exactly? I’ve been searching for a long time. I sift through the mud at the bottom of this wretched ocean, groping for that metaphorical rock bottom which so eludes me. Every day I find myself digging more desperately than the last, performing pitiful acts of self depreciation, drilling deeper, or perhaps further, in an uncertain direction.
(A cig a day.. eventually, a pack a week.. now a pack a day.. these things take far too long to do the dirty. MAY AS WELL GO SMOKE ONE RIGHT NOW)
I hoped that I would be smothered down here. Or, that some mysterious sea creature […]
My mom constantly calls me stupid and tells me I’m a jerk, piece of trash, lazy, etc. She’s going through a stressful point in her life and I see it, but why is she hurting me? She doesn’t hit me, at least not physically. But sometimes the things she says hurt worse that the physical things abusive parents do. I’m still young, but even when I was younger I was thought of as something special. I scored off the charts on standarized tests, blew away the standard curriculum at my public school, and was invited into many gifted programs and such. I’m currently in the […]
Its weird how I check into this thing alot now throughout the day. I’m curious to see if other people are out there who feel even a fraction of what I feel.
Today was a very bad day. Its funny when you close your eyes at night thinking  tomorrow will be better, today was the worst it could get. But that wasn’t the case. To end of the horrible day, another Utopian moment happened. Followed by alot of sweet bbm’s and constant pings when a response wasnt received right away. However those are just more moments. False promises made in a moment never mean anything real. Chances are it was forgotten […]
So I’m startinq to let the real me out.I miss sayinq bi power on my status on Myspace lol.(Like three years aqo)I don’t know If I am bisexual.I’ve refused to answer that question In the past year and a half.Am I still attracted to boys???I don’t know,I just don’t know but I love qays tho!Yall judqe to much tho.It started when I was In eiqhth qrade.I started to qo boy huntinq with my old bestfriend causse I didn’t want her and my ex to do It and I quess I qrowed a feelinq for them.I only told three close friends,One was my old bestfriend.Couple days later two […]
I spent most of today doing math homework with a girl from my class. Â I actually didn’t mind the math homework so much because at least it meant I got to socialize with someone. Â But it also depressed me. Â She kept getting messages on her phone from friends and several people she knew stopped to say hi to her as they walked to class. Â And then there’s me, for whom it’s unusual if I get more than a couple texts a week and all the social interactions I’ve had in the past 7 months can be counted on my hands. Â I miss Amber more […]
I want nothing more than to be dead. I want to escape I can no longer be here. I need to know the best way.. will some one please help!
I want nothing more than to be dead. I’m so scared of everything to come. Nothing its worth the pain I feel. I need someone to help set me free.
I want nothing more than to be dead. I want to be gone..be nothing but a memory.
I want nothing more than to be dead!
If you think about it.. people always care when you die, they cry and get sad.. but do they really care about you?
NO.. Personally, i don’t feel loved. If i died… nobody would care. People say that all the time i know, but honestly. If only you could live in my shoes, oh my.. I don’t even know. I’m just so lonely, i have people in my life yes, but they don’t care. I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO LOVE, WHAT IS LOVE? I’ve never known it. It’s funny because if you saw me, you wouldn’t think that. I’m so bubbly and outgoing but […]
When I searched for this website, I was totally suffering from my depression. I never went to a consultant but I knew I was depressing.
I was living in a city that everyone has the desire to living here. A wonderful city that make me fall in love with but also drain me in the hell. Two years ago, I graduated from high school, and apply to one of the university in the city which the agent helped me to prepare it all. I got a really bad high school GPA that I was really afraid of the university would’t take me. Eventually I went to […]
no one understand you time to die and be reborn again in something better/==\\\
I was 13 when I realized that I would inevitably die.
I saw my body changing, and unlike most young teens who would
Enter a phase in which they cannot control their raging hormones and impulses, I merely noted the changes as the first leap toward my inevitable demise.
You see,
The change itself is what inspired this cognition.
I watched myself mature and it disgusted me.
My thoughts became more intelligent and clear, but apprehension and the reluctant realization of my mortality were the first discernible responses to the Change.
Life, at that moment, lost its magic.
I began writing. I played the guitar, in my room, […]
Two months ago I posted on here that I was going to kill myself in my bathtub as a retirement present to my dad, so he wouldn’t have to deal w a terrible daughter any more. I tried to jump off a bridge, but I chickened out. I went home to my drunken fiancee, the kid I’m going to ruin, called my dad that resents me, and promised them and myself I’d get better.
A month later my abusive drunken fiancee decided to hurt me in front of our son. Ironically, I begged him not to kill me. I haven’t spoken to him in a month, […]
My favorite movies when I was growing up was Lethal Weapon and An Officer and a Gentleman which was. I was approximately six years old when I saw both of these films.
In the movie Lethal Weapon a dominant theme is that of the insanity of one of the main characters, Detective Martin Riggs, and his suicidal behavior brought about by the trauma of the death of his wife. While in An Officer and a Gentlemen a major point in the plot is the suicide of one of the main characters, Sid Worley. Sid commits suicide after his lover rejects his proposal of marriage(because Sid dropped […]
I am a girl. I feel like I should be a boy. I feel like i’m not living my life to the fullest because of this. I feel uncomfortable everywhere I go. School, the store, even in my own home. I don’t talk to many people. I’m shy and collective. I feel like if I was a boy, i wouldn’t be so shy and everyone would actually love me. I would have more friends at school. Its extremely depressing and embarrasing. I don’t dress as a boy so you can quit thinking the word “dike” now. I get up at five every morning to straighten […]
For the past two years my life has been completely screwed over because of the sickest most evil selfish woman i have ever had the misfortune to meet. We had a beautiful baby girl togeather. Afterwards when I signed the birth cert she said to me “hah, now youre gonna pay” but I only realised after she kicked me out three weeks later that she only wanted me as a means of having a kid and when I signed the birth cert she could then feel free to kick me out of the house and take me to court and try to get as much […]
Hi guys
ill try and make this short.i have being feeling like committing suicide for the last 2 years. i badly want too but i guess i’m scared of hurting my family, i don’t want to hurt them i’m not saying i’ve got great relationship with my family but i do obviously care deeply about them.. I’m very sad and i must suffer from depression,, i don’t cut myself or anything. I feel so sad everyday i get up is terrible everything is a constant struggle… I do feel for so many people that have posted on this site.. I have a […]
I’ve been suicidal since 6th grade , I’ve been cutting since 6th grade as well , my ”family” does absolutely NOTHING to help me they just make everything worse.. To top it off , they say stupid shit to piss me off such as ”oh she’s gonna’ starve her self now” well maybe I am. Fuck eating.  Fuck everything.. I just cant live my life like this anymore. Today I cut my entire body up.. I’m hoping the next cut I do will kill me. I don’t know what to do , and it seems like no one cares about me.. so why not just leave?
“Let love but gently touch the strings,
   ‘Twill all be sweet again!” Â
“Kindness glides about my house.
Dame Kindness, she is so nice!
The blue and red jewels of her rings smoke
In the windows, the mirrors
Are filling with smiles.
What is so real as the cry of a child?
A rabbit’s cry may be wilder
But it has no soul.
Sugar can cure everything, so Kindness says.
Sugar is a necessary fluid,
Its crystals a little poultice.
O kindness, […]