I broke my hand again…..in three different places….I’m not really sure what happened. I just snapped. I needed to feel. to feel that pain. That sharp, Intense pain. Its almost mind numbing. Anyway, that was yesterday night. This is today. Seven more hours and then it’s a new day…… I just gotta push through this. I have to.
February 2012
THE OUTCAST SPEAKS
(Written in June 1999, for my MFA Creative Writing class_
By David H. Lippman
The images were horrific enough, but it was the words that sent me into a flashback – frightened Colorado teenagers describing the assailants who had mowed down their schoolmates as “outcasts that nobody liked.â€
After that, television pundits and people with advanced degrees began to prattle about guns in schools, why high school kids turn to violence, and what is to be done.
I wished someone would ask one of the “outcasts.†I was one 20 years ago. In some ways, even though I lead what many people […]
You’d rather go hang out than talk to me? Wtf ever so depressed because of him. Don’t know what to do anymore.
I remember I was the sweetest girl you would ever meet but that all changed when people started bullying me.I got bullied every single day.By everyone and by my family.My mom would always yell at me and my brother would beat me.My other brother would want nothing to do with me.My dad you ask?Lets see he had left me and my mom when I was 5 years old.People would call me fat,ugly,pathetic,Ect.Basiclly all the names in the book.I didnt understand what I did at the time.I would believe everything they said I had so much pressure on me and I still do.That pressure […]
Feels like I’ve been digging a hole all my life.
I’ve dug it so deep, that I can’t climb out of it.
Only real choice left is to keep digging
until it becomes my grave.
im not afraid of dying anymore.
they say death is inevitable so i cant see the point to still strive living in this world.
this negative things and bad thoughts inside me wont stop unless i stop breathing.
we only have one life and yet i suffered this bad. its all my fault and i accept that.
ive been insecure and trying to achieve perfection that makes me feel stressed and depressed.
i dont really want to die but i want this pain to stop because i cant take it anymore.
its like ive been stabbed a lot every single day, thats how painful it […]
Back to the beginning…
What the hell is wrong with me…
I can’t do anything right anymore…
I don’t want to live anymore.
I don’t care if I’m 16,
I don’t want to know what’s gonna happen down the road.
Nothing good is gonna come out of me in my future.
I was suppose to die as an infant anyways…
All I do is screw up…
My depression gets worse and worse everyday…
Everytime I screw up…
I’m done…
I don’t know what else to do…
Stupid fucking iphone keeps fuckig crashing wont let me go to sp im so fucking pisssed of it just wants me to choke out and cut myself just to taste it fuck u piece shit i fuckmin hate you. Why cant i be eith jasmine fuck u. I need some fuckig weed you ****** this aint helping me i bet fucking safari is gonna crash n my iphone is gonna be completely smashed by morning fuck. Wheres my fucking hubby bars. You favgot i wanna grab a nife n test out cutting i just might witg this mugh anger inside me im so irritated and […]
If i could find the courage to kill myself, this is what my death message will say!! ver.1.0
I decided that I didn’t want to be a sufferer any more and took on this terrible selfishness that is probably hurting you right now! The selfishness took over me and I couldn’t get over feeling sorry for my broke life. I don’t want you guys to feel sorry for me, because I don’t deserv it for selfishly killing myself, and maybe hurting you in the long run!! I am sorry that you had encountered me in your life for why I terribly just killed my self! Please […]
Everytime I start to look up
Believe that I am fixable
Trust that I’m wanted for who I am and not what I can do for someone
The rug gets pulled shredded and cremated.
When you knowsomething for a fact beyond a shadowof a doubt
And it turns out to be false,
How can I trust anything?
When is it my turn to have someone in my life that sees positivity in me as I am.
Who will come to me void of ulterior motives
Then again I hate me too as I am.
I dopnt know how I destroyed myself so thoroughly
I can’t even hang myself […]
I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Why do I keep breathing. I shouldn’t be here. I must’ve been a terrible person who did horrible things in another life and this is my punishment. I have no value, no meaning. I fall asleep wishing I won’t wake up, please not another day. I want to do this right so badly but I don’t know if I can hold on long enough.
Those of you that are atheist, or some other religion, please take no offense if this goes against your beliefs, just know that this DID happen.
The other night I wanted to grab that knife so bad and I was shaking so uncontrollably, gasping and blacking out. As these thoughts of self harm and death came into my head, God stopped me from acting on them. I felt so compelled to try and calm myself, and I felt some force driving me away from the knife and those awful, awful thoughts. Then again just two nights ago, I wanted to cut so badly, and I walked […]
I always wonder, what would life be like if i was more….appealing, attractive, pretty…you know? i wonder if my life would be different, and if i would have all these suicidal thoughts. Personally i think everything would be better. The reason i get treated like shit now is because the way i look. I think if i was pretty, more people would respect me and treat me better. The other day i realized how much i hate myself. i realized that maybe im ugly, because i have ugly thoughts. or maybe because i just do horrible things. Im just an horrible person. Im so selfish […]
So this is my first post.. sorry if it’s not very clear or easy to understand. I’m just lost.
So i never thought i would be this way. I had a great childhood, and at 20 i still feel like a kid sometimes. Like a kid that was just testing out the water and all the sudden was pushed in. Except in this imaginary world, i don’t know how to swim. So here i am struggling to stay above water. Now i’m not sure if it’s worth the effort anymore.
To put it simply, i feel so empty inside. I’m sure part of the reason is because […]
I also read somewhere that for people that believe in re incarnation (not sure wat I believe in) that if some one commits suicide they most likely have done it in anOther life. So that got me to thinking maybe I gave don’t it..if its true..and maybe I’m supposed to since I have such strong feelings about it. Then ill live again in another life only with no knowledge of this life and maybe everything will be alright
i wish more than anything that i could take it all back. That instead of being a complete ass, i could tell you how i feel. That i love you more than anything. I know I pushed you away but this is killing me. You were the one thing good in my life….You are the one person that i never wanted to hurt. the one person that i will always protect at all cost..hah how did i manage to screw that one up?
I just want you to know that I love you. No matter what happens. But I don’t want you to reach out to […]
Well if the title doesn’t say it all today sucked for me,well this is what happened. I’m on my break idk why but yea a week of no school ends today 🙁 I decided to hang with my best friend J and my girlfriend A and we started off at the mall ten we went to A’s house and stayed there a while. While at A’s house I was texting J’s crush B and we started secretly talking and A asked what we were saying and I int know what to do so I said no because B used to be her ex so […]
No one cares I know that for a fact.. All my friends that are close to me didn’t even care when I said I was going to they didn’t even try and stop me at all. My gf did something that she knew would hurt my feelings and then she reverses the situation back on me and blames me for her actions… I lost all my friends to be with my gf and now she’s acting as if I should leave.. I used to be alone and I couldn’t handle it and I was thinking about leaving this world and I tried to once and […]
A random man on the street told me that cut a few years ago. “stop the world when you wanna get off!” He said as he walked passed me on a saturday night. Even before that night ive always thought about suicide. So much since such a young age that I’m positive im going to commit it. Just waiting for the time to be right. I used cut myself till I felt numb. Not ask a suicide attempt just to feel numb. Thsts all I end eres want is to be numb to evrrything but that would probably turn me into a drug addict. I […]
So me and my boy were walking home from school not to long ago and I wwas crossing the street when a car come zooming past I almost got hit my life flashed before my eyes. Should I have tooked that last step and gotten hit! Idk I wish it would of hit me