The physical pain and the disease remain. Those cannot be cured.Â But the mental pain, the betrayals, the tragedies, the taking of my innocence as a child which warped me for most of my life.Â No counseling could make me expose that…. that horror….in my time boys were raised to be the strong silent type….. and even if the occurrence was not your fault you could not tell.
Because you did not want anyone to think you were not a man. So you overcompensate by trying to excel at everything.Â Grades, martial arts, sports, charisma, poetry, art, women, loyalty, generosity, being the alpha male amongst your peers,……being able to be talented at anything you want….but that one set of events holding you back…. fighting and standing through everything but always fearful someone would find out…. that they would know about that and see what a worthless human you were…….
Your only bout of hypocrisy….telling others that they were victims and that they matter while secretly hating yourself for a similar situation…struggling with who you are and giving into something and feeling dirty, nasty, filthy, uncouth, twisted, afterwards…. the ripples from the occurrence overriding your discipline that one time….. the situation not truly as sweet as what you really crave, but because the truth cannot be satiated you for that time accepted the lie engendered by the occurrence….
Cutting yourself off because nobody will accept that….it will curse you for life… even in the world of less judgements and more variety….trying to bury it once again but the pain of loss and missing someone dear bringing that to the forefront even though they are unrelated….
The gluttony and then the the restriction…self image tarnished…remembrance to the time of youth when you felt invincible…..where the far back violation was just a mote in your infinte collection of multiverses…. so minute it was dwarfed by the smallest known particle in science….banishing emotions away…heart dying a death to which only bouts of compassion renew….
Coming to terms….but too late to build… too far away from youth for it to matter…. too engrained in the tedious rat race for the improvement to be worth anything other than a drop of honeydew at the end of autumn when the bshes are all dying and you get the last little white yellowish flower and let the liquid inundate your tongue… a sweetness so burning that you would fain hold on to it forever…
And the pleasures and accomplishments and healing that others suggest are not enough…. wjhen you have not experienced everything but enough to know you need more….more than just accepting.. more than just a change of perspective… you want it all… not anyone else’s but to have your own all… to be not master, to be not slave, to be beholden to no law and no limit… not just in a microcosm.. but in all ways of truth….
And yes the desire is improbable…impossible even…and contrary to the rules of reality….but your mind is too strong for anything to work but actually achieving that goal… no counseling, no paradigm shift, no healthy diet, no alternative therapy…. can quench the thirst….
And so your insanity lies in the fact that you know…but still want…the only solution being your death after the last things that give you any pleasure cease to do so….
I wish I knew what you are referring to. I relate to some of it, especially the beginning. I for a long time tried to hide, suppress, suffocate an issue that I have, and I had my strange ways of dealing with it. It was “fine” for a long time, but now I managed to bring it to light, so everyone can see. After my entire life of having that as a secret, now it’s here for everyone.
Well, now I can only see the one option: pulling the plug. I want out. I wish I could stay and keep my life as it were before. I was okay with that substandard at least. Now it’s just way too much. I cannot bear.
I came to a location to finish myself. I’ve missed the plane back. I just ran out of money. Tomorrow is the last day of cash for hotel and food. I’m out. I guess I have created the conditions for it, compensating for my lack of courage to just do it already! Sorry if I’m highjacking the thread. I just got lost in your words, and read my own story in it.
Qwerty did you get the email i sent you? if not check out the to Qwerty thread,
Qwerty thank you for sharing.
I many of us come here to write to people who we relate to.
And I’d be quite the churlish sot if I would be negative towards you telling your story.
I read another one of your threads.
And I do understand because I am on the same road as you.
But hopefully i can sustain control because there is something I want to do so I can sort of go out with a bang.
I am not sure who told me that here but I think it may have been dear James who suggested it. I enjoyed the discourse we had here.
My birthday is when I am ending things. One of the few times I allow symbolism and added meaning to rear its head.
At least you had the strength to bring it to light. All my training will not allow me to fully disclose. As long as you let people see you happy and react the right way, they will rarely look deeper unless they recognize a like soul.
But who can blame them because nobody likes pain and especially not others pain.
Qwerty my friend, if it is your total will and desire to end it I wish you a quick and painless end.
But if some random chance comes along and keeps you around i’d like to speak with you again.