People have told me, “Don’t do it, Emma” and “You can talk to me about anything”. But I can’t. I know I’m not alone in this but it always feels like I am. I’ve had people call the Suicide Hotlines on me and I’ve helped other people get through their own depressions but I can never seem to shake the pain, loneliness, jealousy, or depression. I have problems I know I need to fix but I just can’t.
Im 14. My name is Emma and I live in Colorado. When I was three, my mom and dad divorced after my mom knowingly broke my younger brother’s leg and blaming it on my dad. My dad went to jail for a few days until it was proven that it wasn’t him but my mom got away scot-free. My dad was in and out of my life for all of it, only staying for a week at best. I have been to nine schools in various states all because of my mom’s whims. I lived in Hawaii for two years where I went to two schools until I moved BACK to Colorado after my almost- step dad nearly killed my younger brother and I had to send him to jail, along with my mother. I was in foster care for six months, separated from my only sibling and my entire family. The place I was in had infestations of various bugs and the people were horrible. Luckily, I was in an all-girls room but if I had had to share with the guys, I would have most definitely been assaulted and/or raped. I moved back to Colorado to live with my dad last year (2011), leaving my brother behind. My dad “dealt” with me for 6 months then disappeared. Last I heard, he was just getting back from a cruise in the Caribbean with his girlfriend who was actually a really nice person. My mom had been an alcoholic and total stoner for most of my life. When she was a teenager, she had been “easy” to sleep around with. Apparently, she had had an abortion or two before me that I didn’t know about. She had me at 19. I was always too short or too young for everything. My younger brother had a tendency to get everything he wanted while I was stuck with anything my mom could get for free. On the last day I lived with them, my brother had an Xbox, a GameCube, a Nintendo DS, and a Laptop. The only electronic I had was an old alarm clock that my “step-dad” threw away, and a cell phone that I only got because it was 10 dollars a month to track my every move. I never smoked and I only ever used to drink when I could get away with it. I hate cutting and I will never do it because the pain is unnecessary and pointless. Recently, I’ve been kicked out of the Technical Theatre class at my school (Which was pretty much my LIFE even if nobody talked to me), Denied every solo and duet I’ve tried out for ( 5 total), and gotten put in the one choir I DIDN’T audition for. All my friends are either non-existent, never around, or aren’t really my friends. My family is sporadic and spread out. I’m living with my grandpa in the middle of Mormon Suburbia and I’m Atheist. I love my family and don’t want to hurt anyone but I’ve been depressed and sick of my life for as long as I can remember. I keep waiting for the day it gets better but it only ever gets worse. I’ve had one long-term boyfriend who had a terrible accident in which he nearly died, and we broke up because he was desperate and I was getting sick of it. I have plenty of interests in guys but none of them are interested in me. The one person in life that I want to talk to has been dead for four years and I’m at my wits end with everything. I’ve been waiting for something that will never come. I’m going to die eventually. Why not make it a bit sooner?
All the things I’ve tried to do with my life has backfired and now I’m just going to take one bottle of pills and a Dr Pepper and finish this. Hopefully it wont backfire this time.
Emma
3 comments
If anyone wants to talk to me for some reason,you can email me at emmabean97@yahoo.com Thanks
You sound like a very intelligent, lucid and strong person – for any age – but especially for your age. You’re eloquent and write very neatly. I think if you hang on until you’re 17 or 18 you’ll give yourself a chance to see a great evolution, and allow the world to perhaps have an amazing person.
Although your story is very different, it reminded me of a great friend I have who lost both his parents when his dad committed murder-suicide killing his wife (my friend’s mom) and himself. My friend lived with his uncle for a while and started supporting himself at age 16. And he has become a role model. Incredible how so much shit he went through actually ended up making him an awesome guy. Just keep doing whatever you’re doing a bit longer. You’re onto something good. It’s in your essence, it comes across.
Give yourself a chance to live for you.
Up to this point it has been tragedy after tragedy and we cannot pick our parents.
Instead of leaving life before you get a chance hang on a few more years.
Where you can make your own fortune.
Where you can blaze your own path.
Because even though the pain might be excruciating and deeply embroiled, you cannot know if you can find peace until you can get out there and away from that harmful environment.