Those thoughts come rushing back to the front of my mind.
I know how I want to die…
I want to get into a car accident…
That way at least it wouldn’t look like suicide and not guilt trip the ones I love.
And yet if I did that, I would make some other person and their family miserable.
So I haven’t yet…but everytime I drive, it’s there in the back of my mind…inching closer and closer until the idea is decorated with reason and temptation.
But instead, that old familiar feeling of self inflicted pain I yearn so much for is screaming in my ear, begging to claw at my flesh until the tears that I cry every night are because of the blood pouring from my wrists…
And the pain will be all I can think about.
And it will be beautiful.
Maybe I won’t wake up in the morning.
I always hope…but it never happens.
1 comment
Now and then I go through super depression. Maybe my meds are helping me now.. but I used to think about things like that : | Like crashing with an 18 wheeler, then this year I actually wanted to die (obv. a different way) but when I got the closest to it I’m making a big turn in the other direction. Starting to view life in a different way. Someone said that a great idea wouldn’t be to hate your life it’d be to live and love it. We’re born and automatically negative people, and life is what you make it, it may be hard at first. And also death is assumed to be a way to solve all problems but it’s not. Life is a big gift I’m starting to see. Though the thoughts about dying Are still lingering, I have to work hard. I believe life will make turn for you too! Just keep searching for help and it will get better you will it to.