Think you have it bad, take a look at this!!

Thank you Unique, that broke my heart over and over and over…because that is why the specialists gave me less than 6 months in Dec. 2000…so I got to relive the pain that finally broke me…this is what I often refer to as the noise that no human should make…I know it intimately…thankfully less often now…a few symptoms were different…but this is what I mean when on the night I cried out for God to end it…and he took me home in Jan. 2001…I literally crawled to my bed on my belly…dragging myself forward with my one good hand and arm….it took for fucking ever…I swear…because unlike our friend Krista…I had no Justin…my illnesses broke several good men…and at the time…my partner broke and became extremely physically, emotionally, verbally abusive…and even sexually abusive …and not just to me…I had no one…my friends and family all left exhausted…this is what my sister meant when she avoided me for years after…because of guilt…or as she so bluntly put it….I forgot to die. Even more amazing…ahhh synchronicity….the last thing I saw before I left my body…my alarm clock…one of few things I still have…and the time was 3:43 am. That time has always had significance to me since my father died in the beginning of my agony I learned to call life…and I always associated that number with my father…but now I wonder which father?…sigh My battle…this particular battle I should qualify…began after the birth of my last child when I was 35 and continued into the present…but the acute crisis…continual agony…only lasted until I was 42…so even after my NDE or OBE…matters not…this is why it was especially hard coming back into my body after 6 hours of freedom from physical pain…and in 6 hours…my hair turned completely silver…I lost 2 1/2 inches in height…and 12 pounds…my clothes didn’t fit…I was terrified I had come back and got in the wrong body or something….but I managed to get dressed and tidy up and get in my car and drive to a friend’s house…a new friend…I had been helping through the sudden loss of her husband…a firefighter…so I knew I could trust her not to have me locked up….and I had to move the seat in my car for the first time ever…I must have looked insane when I showed up at her door….but as she opened the door…she said…well look what the cat dragged in…and I sobbed…but do you know who I AM?…and she said of course I know who you are…you are my very special friend Lori…and I collapsed in her arms…and finally someone to hold me up….I still struggle…but not so often…and the physical and emotional damage have been severe…and I was already struggling to deal with my life traumas…maybe that is why God took me home…but for such a very short time…because once clear of the agony…I understood the purpose…and volunteered to come back but with some conditions. But my illnesses have broken my current partner as well…He was one of three people that didn’t walk away from me…but my ex severely limited their access to me…and now I have broken him too…
I have been diagnosed with lupus…SLE and DLE…Fibromyalgia…Chronic Fatigue Syndrome…Premature Ovarion Failure…Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis…Mercury Toxicity…chronic Degenerative Disc Disease…severe osteo arthritis…Hallux Rigidus…Serious Environmental Allergies…Seasonal Affective Disorder…Scoliosis…Vertigo…Severe Sinusitis and Rhinitis….severe IBS….man I could go on …but what’s the point…in the end I have 2 possibly three retro-viruses…and they mimic the symptoms of the auto immune diseases….pain killers didn’t help…nothing helped…except weed…and then it just numbed it….currently they are mimicing symptoms of MS…but I don’t have that either…but I’ve exceeded my expiry date by more than 11 years…so maybe what my old doctor told me in the end…when I asked how I could possibly still be alive?…she told me that that was the problem…they couldn’t figure out how come I was still alive….prescribed the weed …and told me to look for my own answers…that medical science would not help me…notice she didn’t say couldn’t…just wouldn’t…Ihave won small victories along the way…including the retro-viruses appearing on my medical record…but their is no cure….lol…so what?…and still I stand…and fight on…do I know Job…intimately…do I know Jesus?…well…I met him on the Pathway of Pain…sigh…but atleast the fear is gone…and I’m healing my life emotionally…so oh well…while there is breath there is life…did I suffer more than Krista….God no…I have yet to have one headache…there is atleast that….I wept for her and with her…but Justin’s breakdown…wow…too hard to watch….she suffered far worse pain in her head…I wouldn’t wish that on anyone….but I had to do it alone for the most part…so 6 of one…half a dozen of the other….matters not…just glad I’mgettinga chance to finally live and start to heal again.

So thank you Unique…for breaking my heart and allowing it to heal again…truly…Blessed Be…but I may be the only one who can watch it at least all the way through…but I am well pleased.
BTW…my old doctor used the word enigma when referring to me…lol…I still continue to shrink and grow and myriad other things…and my hair is coming back in with colour…by my crown remains silver…what do I know?…death is a respite…not an answer…and suffering is not pointless…unless you don’t learn from it. Would I rather be me or Krista…the answer…both. I would take another’s pain if it would free them…yes I’m afraid I would. But I bet you she would say the same thing…the true gift…understanding.

Namaste
Amakua