This thing.

This place is so familiar, this place that I always come back to. Chainsmoking my way through a lonely night, endlessly surfing the net to distract my mind. Radio, TV, Twitter, facebook, scroling scrolling, clicking clicking – only turning off the light when I know that sleep will be instantaneous.
I’ve tried blaming it on circumstance, the balance in my bank account, my parents marriage, failed relationships…but this thing, this thing is always with me. I move and it comes with me, I hide, it finds me, I embrace it and it kills me.
I don’t know what it is, restless fatigue and itchy bones and a mind that just can’t focus. This disconnected haze that I walk through every day, trying to recognize anything in anyone – and failing.
The thoughts, when they come are just so practical. Weighing up pros and cons, family so far away that sometime’s they don’t even factor into my considerations. It’s so selfish. I try to make myself feel better, by plotting to do it by throwing myself off some bridge so some trained police diver finds me and not my flatmates.
I’m still here though, because it goes. I know it will be back, but despite all my thoughts…I’m so afraid of what’s next.