Too far gone

I am really having a hard time right now; this past week I’ve been keeping myself fully occupied with asking people to keep me from being alone (everyone goes out of their way and does so in a heartbeat) with times spent in between writing to others I’ve ‘met’ here. There’s no relief… I mean, I put myself out there in an attempt to feel some connection but no matter how much I try, or how others try, I still feel numb… worse possibly. I never expected anything in the first place but I guess I just need to write this out right now and know I’m being heard; for the sake of keeping myself safe. I don’t need/want any responses… I don’t know what to say to people that would matter… I don’t know how to process people… I am appreciative that they try but there is nothing that can be said or done; I am too far gone. It’s been way too long to consider that hope exists… I listen to words of hope all the time but the consideration that it’s real is fleeting; I’m left alone and in pain, wanting to take my life. I am feeling better RIGHT NOW… as I write, but it’s not enough… when I put down the ‘pen’ it all comes flooding back- sometimes with a vengeance. You would seriously think I am the most level headed person who has their life so together; my ‘nature’ is to make everyone I cross paths with as comfortable as possible… no matter who you are. Not to say I’m on a mission but it’s for no other reason than to hope that you would treat me the same… moreso how you will treat others. This world is designed to keep people fighting each other rather than loving one another… I’m tired of entertaining the thought that I belong here.