I wake up every morning with this constant desire to die. It just feels wrong to be alive. First words out of my mouth are “I want to die.†It’s become my mantra, for lack of better words. I’ve felt this way since I was about fourteen. I’ve been to therapy and talked with counselors and psychologists but my need to die can never be unearthed. I get asked about sexual abuse and trauma, there is none. I get asked about physical abuse, there is none. I’ve had a great life, great family, people who love me unconditionally and who will always be there, I should love my life, but it just feels all wrong. Someone made a mistake…I shouldn’t be here…I should be dead. The urge consumes me daily and I feel guilt for being alive. I try to put it out of my head…I run…two miles…still dark thoughts…I run, four miles…still there. At five miles, I concentrate hard on my breathing but can’t get rid of the thoughts, at 12 miles I’m almost too tired to think; finally at 15 I feel a release. I’m home…but they come back. This is all wrong, my whole life. I hate my life. I hate being alive, it just doesn’t feel right. I know the thoughts aren’t real but they feel like they are. I want to die…I need to die.
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You are living under the throes of D E A T H, the ‘Death Instinct’ to be more precise,
to cut a long subject short, what you really are doing and are not aware of is preparing yourself for L I F E, this is a part of the reason, ,
there is something that therapists used to do years ago which was to use insulin to plunge there patientS near death, and the therapist used to sit by the side of the patient standing vigil while they sliped into a deep deep coma,
when the patients used to get near death the therapist was there to guide them out which created a bond between them,
Nature is always two faced, remember that, the more intensely one sided something is (the way we feel) in this case the more you want to die, the more its opposite wants to be set free.. which really means for you the more you want to L I V E.
Check out the Life Instinct and the Death Instinct online and also Rebirth in Buddhism or symbolic death and rebirth of your consciousness. This will help you understand some of the problems you are experiencing
i hope this helped a little
greetings
I understand what you mean. while I have experienced some rough times in my life, it now is relatively influential. And though I have good support network of family, I feel so alone!! For me, unless I am engaging in conversation with someone, every mili second of down time, between statements even, is spent feeling depressed… but about what? I don’t know… though I wish I had close friend or I was close with my family… THAT is not what is depressing me… Instead it just eliminates sources venting my feelings which I wouldn’t even be able to explain if I tried. Someitmes I think this is harder than people who have experienced traumatic events (although not having been there, I can only say from my perspecive, and not to downplay anyone’s reactions by any means!!!!) because at least then you know why you are feeling the way you are and you have a point to work from and over come. But for me, It’s just an overall feeling of depression.
very well said ‘imperfect1’, i feel exactly the same, always a constant desire to die, 7 x 24 x 365
I wanna kill myself over something I did. It actually sucks to know exactly why and not being able to change history. You sound like you just need to be able to redirect that incredible energy. Listen to this inspiring story: http://safespaceradio.com/2010/05/suicide-cherihuber/