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who am i?

by windbreak

So this is my first post.. sorry if it’s not very clear or easy to understand. I’m just lost.

So i never thought i would be this way. I had a great childhood, and at 20 i still feel like a kid sometimes. Like a kid that was just testing out the water and all the sudden was pushed in. Except in this imaginary world, i don’t know how to swim. So here i am struggling to stay above water. Now i’m not sure if it’s worth the effort anymore.

To put it simply, i feel so empty inside. I’m sure part of the reason is because i haven’t been eating much lately. Food doesn’t have the same taste it did before. It’s like i’m just eating to eat. Life lost its color. I’m 6 or 7 months away from getting my 4 year degree. My family will be so proud of me. The Lord blessed me with a beautiful family, a few really good friends, and an opportunity at life that anyone in the world would be so grateful for. I really am, but i’m just not worth it. I’m a broken human being.

I’m alone where i live now. Just a few hours from home actually, but it feels so much farther. I know it’s tough growing up, but how much better or worse can life possibly get? I have no friends. If i weren’t going to school i probably wouldn’t talk to anybody in a given day. I was told college is the best years of your life. Hasn’t been so far. I’ve seen my worst days up here. I’m tired of feeling so alone. I’m tired of feeling worthless.

Most of my spare time is spent sitting in my apartment, alone, either crying or thinking of ending it all. I don’t see myself ever amounting to anything. I’ll grow up and live alone, my friends will have left me by then, and I won’t have a family to spend time with or take care of. I’ve never known what it’s like to have a girlfriend… not that I’m even in the right emotional shape right now to be in a relationship.

I’m not even sure who i am anymore. I’m a very sad and lonely person. The only thing keeping me from ending my own life is what my family will do when i’m gone. I don’t want to hurt them but i don’t want to live anymore. I want nothing more than to be nonexistant. That bottle of pills is calling my name.

So here i am. Stuck in a world i don’t want to be a part of and don’t belong in. I can only hope that sometime very soon i’ll be crossing the street and a truck will charge into me at full speed. Maybe if some horrible accident were to descend upon me my family wouldn’t be so hurt. They wouldn’t know about the pain i’ve felt inside for so long. Please, make it end

 

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ellachristina 2/24/2012 - 10:09 pm

hey.:) i’m sorry things are so hard right now. I definitely know what you mean though,ugh,i’m 19 and everything is really hard to get used to,I still feel like I’m 16 in my head sometimes. adulthood is a big deal,i think everyone reacts to it in a big way,and I don’t think it’s strange to feel overwhelmed. but your amazing if your already at the four year degree mark at only 20!! i know that the feeling of being worthless is terrible,but just because we feel a certain way,it doesn’t make it true,and let me tell you,if i was getting my four year degree in 6 months,i would feel like a hotshot and you should too.:) that’s a huge accomplishment! we’re still so young,and just starting out. i think college is a hard transition for everybody,but hang in there okay? your life is far from over,you’ve got so many great things ahead of you,and a family that loves you so much! trust me,you’ll meet new people,new friends,and you sound like a really nice successful person. you’ll meet the right girl. it just takes some time sometimes. don’t give up,okay? we’re all here for you and going through similar things. i’ll pray for you. 🙂

ellachristina 2/24/2012 - 10:13 pm

and also,I have an eating disorder myself,i’m in recovery. please be careful,okay? i’m here if you ever want to talk about it,but it’s been one of the hardest things i’ve ever had to deal with,and i wish someone would have been there when i first started to develop one to tell me to run the other way. it’s a terrible thing…please please,if you feel like you might be developing one too,please reach out and get help. the sooner you do the better,because the longer you wait,the harder it is to get better. i know being depressed can cause you to not want to eat…i hope talking to people here helps you feel better.your worth way to much to just give up,okay? God bless!

sadbeyondwords 2/25/2012 - 1:27 pm

Hey there ! Relax, take a deep breath and cheer up. They say God doesn’t forsake anybody. he will help you. trust in him. life is hard but maybe its just a question of time. maybe in a few years, things will be better. You never know. In fact i’m sure it will be better. like they say life is unpredictable. you never know what’s gonna happen even tomorrow. there have been people whose destiny and luck has changed overnight. miracles have happened to people. even if life is hard, just go on living. just tell yourself, ‘i’ll get through this.” you sound like a smart and intelligent person. you even write well. once you get your degree and start working u will feel really happy. you will earn your own money and have your own job. then u will forget about all this. u will enjoy your career and your attention will be there. maybe you will meet a nice girl in your office also and have your own family. have hope in life. don’t lose hope. don’t already imagine your future to be bad. they say after a lot of suffering, god gives happiness. sometimes god tests a person for a very long time. its his way. just have faith and be strong. I shall also pray for you.sometimes great stuff happens to people with difficult lives also. i have seen things suddenly changing for people. i have seen somebody who had a very difficult life, and suddenly things became alright and her life turned absolutely awesome. life is unfair. some people have it good and some people have it very tough. remember that for all the people who have a great life, there are an equal number of people who are suffering.life gets better, but we need to have patience. just wait, pray to God and think positive!!

sadbeyondwords 2/25/2012 - 1:30 pm

and yes, i forgot to tell you, that this is my first comment. I hadnt even registered here, but after reading your post, i wanted to sign up and reply to you. take care.

softsoul 2/25/2012 - 2:22 pm

You are not alone, I’ve been going through it for 9 years. Make a decision about what you want from a place of unconditional love for yourself. It is important for you to make a decision, otherwise you remain caught in the flux of indecision. I understand how you feel. Many people don’t want to live but are scared to die…or transition. It is important to make a decision and be resolute. You can not get it wrong. I hope this helps relieve some of your stress.

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