So this is my first post.. sorry if it’s not very clear or easy to understand. I’m just lost.
So i never thought i would be this way. I had a great childhood, and at 20 i still feel like a kid sometimes. Like a kid that was just testing out the water and all the sudden was pushed in. Except in this imaginary world, i don’t know how to swim. So here i am struggling to stay above water. Now i’m not sure if it’s worth the effort anymore.
To put it simply, i feel so empty inside. I’m sure part of the reason is because i haven’t been eating much lately. Food doesn’t have the same taste it did before. It’s like i’m just eating to eat. Life lost its color. I’m 6 or 7 months away from getting my 4 year degree. My family will be so proud of me. The Lord blessed me with a beautiful family, a few really good friends, and an opportunity at life that anyone in the world would be so grateful for. I really am, but i’m just not worth it. I’mÂ a broken human being.
I’m alone where i live now. Just a few hours from home actually, but it feels so much farther. I know it’s tough growing up, but how much better or worse can life possibly get? I have no friends. If i weren’t going to school i probably wouldn’t talk to anybody in a given day. I was told college is the best years of your life. Hasn’t been so far. I’ve seen my worst days up here. I’m tired of feeling so alone. I’m tired of feeling worthless.
Most of my spare time is spent sitting in my apartment, alone, either crying or thinking of ending it all. I don’t see myself ever amounting to anything. I’ll grow up and live alone, my friends will have left me by then, and I won’t have a family to spend time with or take care of. I’ve never known what it’s like to have a girlfriend… not that I’m even in the right emotional shape right now to be in a relationship.
I’m not even sure who i am anymore. I’m a very sad and lonely person. The only thing keeping me from ending my own life is what my family will do when i’m gone. I don’t want to hurt them but i don’t want to live anymore. I want nothing more than to be nonexistant. That bottle of pills is calling my name.
So here i am. Stuck in a world i don’t want to be a part of and don’t belong in. I can only hope that sometime very soon i’ll be crossing the street and a truck will charge into me at full speed. Maybe if some horrible accident were to descend upon me my family wouldn’t be so hurt. They wouldn’t know about the pain i’ve felt inside for so long. Please, make it end