Saturday’s, because they are my day off, seem like my day to post on this thing. I only have like three posts so far, but I feel drawn back to this place. Its a place for my tough thoughts that no one else wants to listen to. ..
Just reading the last post was almost to much for me because the person reading it was very angry about their situation saying *** you to everyone and saying they want everyone to suffer as much as they. How ironic that they are crying for help, but at the same time snarling that that. I understand it all so well. Truth is I believe everyone is going to suffer greatly in the end so its actually a wish that will be fulfilled in the end. Even people who have it all, go through odyssey’s of emotional pain and cravings and states of loss of ego and incredible fear. That being said, I can relate, I have very often been in that state of rage and only was able to overcome it by realizing that is the state that cruel people want you to be in. People who want to demonize you, control you, to have a reason to lock you up or consider you sub human, that is where they want you to be, mentally. Its how abusive parents demonize their toddlers who can’t stop screaming because they are in so much pain..To abusive people, a screaming animal is an animal that must be destroyed. So a person who is in a state of pain just screams louder, like a toddler in pain, and no one comes near, because we have been programmed by this f*ed up system to see no profit in helping those who are in pain. It is so natural and healthy to be communicating even though the message can come out strangely. I don’t mean to extrapolate. I want this person to feel better, but I couldn’t bring myself to comment. I couldn’t put myself in harms way. In my own empathy and inability to be my own advocate I have been hurt over and over again by suicidal people who demand me to love them the way they want and lash out at me for not doing so. My problem is that because I can relate to suicidality (obviously), I have put myself in danger with depressives who needed help, and instead of making boundaries clear, in the end I was abused, betrayed and eventually, sexually harassed. There was one person who was so effective at making me feel sorry for him, that I thought about making a suicide pact with him, but never said so. Shortly after, he demanded that I have sex with him or he would kill himself (he was in his late sixties, I’m in my twenties). When I said no, he started calling me names and yelling etc… Eventually I had to call the police in order to get him to leave my house, and I had to file a restraining order against him. I STILL feel sorry for him. (and am disgusted that I do) He moved to another state to avoid the restraining order. He still tries to contact me via text and says whatever he can, except apologize. Anyway, I hope this story may help someone who is depressed to try to think about their own survival, especially if they are around abusive people.