People tell me it’s al my fault.
Everything.
That depression can easily be controlled and easily healed.
They don’t know the half of it.
People leave the mentally sick and tell us to become independent, but the physically sick get a hug and they’re told that everything will be all right.
Why isn’t someone on my side?
I go to doctors appointment, talk to therapists, meet with advisors, get my medications and pay for it all. All by myself.
And I’m not even 19 years old yet.
Why isn’t there someone telling me that I’m doing something right?
I don’t do everything wrong, do I?
I’m still human.
Just like them. I’m not any different. Just because they know different things about me.
People tell me I’ve handled things wrong. But I’ve handled things the best way I could.
Where is the love for me?
I might not deserve it… but is that why I cut myself. Because I don’t deserve the love, I deserve the pain.
3 comments
Hi Heidi. reading this made me want to cry…I can relate so much. but I’ve learned over the years that people usually have to go through something themselves before they understand. I’m 19 too-it’s taken a lot of courage to get to this point. I feel like I’m 30 sometimes. but you have to realize that they don’t understand. It doesn’t even bother me anymore when people don’t understand that I had an eating disorder-they thought it was all about being skinny,(which makes sooo mad.) nobody paid enough attention to realize that it was about coping with abuse. I felt like nobody could even see me.we understand here though-please talk to us. maybe we can help. you do deserve love,and you don’t deserve pain. please believe it!
Hi Heidi & Ella —
I’m 42, and I can relate, too. There is such a stigma against mental illness in this society, and it’s a crime. Your words really touched me, Ella. I’ve been dealing with this since I was a teenager, too. And it’s so so so hard.
You’re right. No one understands unless they go through it, too. But there is a great support group out there, especially online. That’s something wonderful we all have now that I didn’t have at 19. (Back in 1989)
Here you can find others who understand and know you’re not alone. And that’s not nothing.
If you don’t know of them, please find To Write Love On Her Arms. They are an advocacy group raising awareness of and reducing the stigma of mental illness and self harm.
They need our support as much as we need each other’s support.
Peace.
Hey there.
I totally get where your coming from. Some people (in my life all my family and most friends) really don’t get it. No matter how much you show your seeing a doctor regularly, getting therapy, prescribed meds… they just think it’s an easy problem your making a big deal out of, and you should just snap out of it and act like a normal grown up like they are. It really annoys and hurts me, because some support from these people would really help, if they could understand how we feel and listen, and then see we are progressing and help us slowly…
I’m 25 and have problems since i was 13, all that time the only people that have listened and sort of appreciated what i was going through were charities, and websites, and people i never met face to face. It’s sad i don’t actually know them, but at least they are there to help a little when nobody else is.
This site is really good for that.