Well geez…. i dont even know where to start. My parents fought since i was little. My sister would cover my ears so i wouldnt hear it. We moved to ohio in the 4th grade from Sacramento and i attended a private school. I was made fun of for being hyper as well as colorblind, being asked if i was retarded or gothic because i like black so i quickly learned to shut the fuck up and keep out of the spotlight. I transferred to public school in 7th grade and it was better but still not good but I guess all the suicide nonsense started four years ago when i began my freshman year of highschool. My best friend had moved to chicago and I was having problems with my mom. We always fought, she would only sleep and eat and my father ( a child psychiatrist) buried himself in work to avoid his failing marriage so I barely got to see him. Both my sister and i have had conversations about this but he also sets the bar for us way too high. I recieved a 98 on a geometry test and he asked what happened to the other 2 percent. His exact words,”just 2 percent more and you couldve had a perfect score.” Well i didnt get a perfect score i got a fucking 98… After a huge fight with my mom I stayed cooped up in my room until my dad came home and I explained the whole scenario. He told me things would get better. My response was the only way things will get better is if you divorce mom. Two weeks later my father filed for divorce against my mom and no matter how many times he reassured me that it wasnt my fault i cant help but feel as tho even if he wanted to leave her i was the final straw that broke the camels back. To this day i still hold thoughts of blame. I became withdrawn, emo if you will, and kids made a target of me. my mother tried to cut herself with a shattered wine glass while friends were over then when my dad tried to take us to my friends house she smashed in his windshield with a small metal rod. Police were called no arrest was made but my dad moved out to his parents for a short while after that leaving me with my mom. I was put on 500mg of welbutrin a day and put into therapy after i tried drowning myself in the tub with a weight around my neck while everyone was out of the house. I got scared and saved myself. Sometimes i wish i hadn’t. i was transferred to a different therapist. Mine had been inexperienced and only made things worse. I started experimenting with cutting. My dad saw the cuts but i always said it was from playing with the cats. I know he knew better. Shortly after the divorce was on its way my dad started seeing his current fiance sally and moved in with her and her three children and he didnt contact me for six months. My grades in school fell to a gpa of 1.7 and i was unintentionally starving myself. I ate a granola bar a day with a green tea. Its all i could eat without feeling sick. I quickly learned that i had developed an extreme social anxiety over the years making me think whenever i was having an anxiety attack i literally thought i had pissed myself so i was always scared to check and never knew what to do but i wasnt put on medication. My father told me it was all in my head even tho i still get these sensations to this day. I would cut myself in my shower with a bic razor. I had nothing else so i would just repeatedly hack at my forearms until i could see the water by my feet turn red, wait to heal, then repeat. My therapy and medication obviously werent helping with suicidal tendencies so i talked to my dad about being placed in a in-patient psychiatric facility. He refused on multiple occasions. My mom found a boyfriend about a year after the divorce was initialized and spent every minute she could with him or just sat in her room leaving me to do whatever i saw fit and as i said earlier, neither my sister or father were in the picture for a long time. All i had was my german shepard, Zeus and my drugs and razors. One day after a girlfriend of mine had blown me off when i told her i was scared because i thought i was going to really hurt myself I went to Lowe’s and bought a pack or straight razors like the ones u put in box cutters or the ones notoriously associated with cocaine but i even went as far as to have a conversation with a clerk about which type was best for things such as leather (hardened skin ya know) and which had the finest tip. She pointed me to the razorz i wanted and i bought them. I went home and laid for hours on the couch silently weeping debating on if im even worthy to have this life, if i cant have a single happy person in my life why am i even alive? I sat up on the couch and started to undo the packaging on the razors when my mom came home and asked me what i was doing with razors. I couldnt even muster the thoughts to lie to her. I just broke downand told her how badly i wanted to die, how i wish i could fall asleep and never wake up from the darkness. She called my dad who came over and tried to boost my self esteem but idk if its just me but when im complimented it doesnt feel good. It hurts because i really dont see the characteristics that ppl point out and it makes me feel like theyre all just trying to appease me instead of being genuinely concerned and trying to fix whats wrong. I begged my father to put in a hospital but he wouldnt do it. He tried telling me that the hospital was full which even in the moment i knew was absolute horse-shit. Recently my mom and i moved out about two streets from her boyfriend. I have only a select few friends whom i dont even really see or talk to and my dog bit another dog in the neighborhood and we had to get rid of him so my sister took him for me until my moms lease is up and we’re moving again so we can get Zeus back. My mom still does nothing but sleeps and goes to her boyfriends house and calls me irresponsible for whatever shes pissed about in the moment and claims that i only care about myself. Being alone is fine. Im use to by now. Not even having my dog is whats really killing me. I sit at home and do nothing but smoke cigarettes and weed and when im not doing that im working my shit job or going to community college because my asshole father whos made an insane amount of money put none away for my college fund. I dont have one. Thats right, im the selfish one, Im the irresponsible one, and I only think of myself thats why my parents havent taken care of their child since he was 14. Just because my mother is slowly going senile or whatever the fuck her problem is doesnt mean that she has the right to project her unaddressed feelings of discontent (putting it lightly) towards my father onto me. Its not fair. Sometimes i think a suicide would be justified to snap these assholes out of their little self absorbed fantasy bullshit worlds and maybe once their only son is dead in their own bathtub they’ll think “oh hey, maybe i shouldve paid more attention to him. All those times he genuinely wanted help and i denied him….maybe i shouldnt have done that. Maybe i should’ve helped him instead of worried about my reputation as a doctor with a child in a psychiatric unit.” Fuck everyone dude.
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2 comments
Getting called selfish and irresponsible is a usual response to depression from ignorant people. Because the misery happens in your head and is so severe it means you can’t see past it. The fact your dad is a child shrink and has treated you this way is utterly despicable he probably doesn’t show it but I would say he has a lot of guilt for that. Because mental health professionals are very well educated on the detrimental effects on the kids of fucked up parents.
Sometimes when I have been suicidal for a few days I force myself out of it with a reckless couldn’t care less attitude. I had this a lot at school. It funny how everyone around us turns round and thinks that we’re being silly, we’re attention seeking or whatever else they come out with when actually we are seriously deliberating taking our own lives. I’ve often felt my wrists must be preslit for anyone to realise just how ill I am. I mean I’m dealing with life and death here and I’m getting told that people all around the world are suffering with real issues and I need to pull myself together.
These people are ignorant and haven’t got a fucking clue. Remember that. Don’t get upset about it get angry its a much more productive emotion, don’t take it out of yourself.
You don’t cut because you want to, you don’t feel like killing yourself because you want to. You are desperate for a release from such intense emotional pain that no one can possibly understand. So yeah, fuck everyone dude. They don’t recognise how ill you are but you do. So fuck em and do whatever it takes to battle through it. Be selfish, be irresponsible because your family clearly aren’t of any use. Best of luck my lovely
I am so sorry you’ve had to cop the blame because your parents are too wrapped up in their own shit to be proper parents to you.
Have you figured out that your mother is suffering from depression? She is showing all the symptoms. And this is the ugly side of depression.. some people get so wrapped up in their own depression, all they care about is themselves and their pain and their depression. You have 2 options: you can either try to talk to her about this, try to open up, maybe you can try to help each other and give each other support. Or you can just emotionally detach from her, and try not to take her and her madness as a personal attack… because she’s mentally ill, it’s not your fault.
Your father sounds like a narcissist. Once again, don’t take it personally. If he’s a child psych and can’t help his own kid, well that’s obviously his failing, both as a psych and as a father. NOT your fault. Personally, I think your father is mentally ill also (yes, it’s not uncommon for psychs to be ill), the fact that he left you with your mother who is so obviously mentally ill and unable to care for you. This is meant to be his proffession.
I don’t blame you for thinking that suicide might be a justified wake up call. Your parents are self absorbed twats, they need a wake up call. But don’t let it be your suicide. Get even. Grow up. Get independant, get away from them and their toxic misery. Make something of yourself. Prove them wrong. You’re not a failure, they are the failures. But you shouldn’t be a victim either. You should be a survivor.