This is not meant as a dramatic post.Â I just needed to talk to people who understood the kind of pain and depression that can lead to ending one’s own life.Â For those of you who aren’t sure, take a look deep inside of yourself as well as around you.Â Suicide is, of course, murder – but it is a strange kind of murder in which the murderer punishes himself/herself simultaneous with committing the crime.Â The two most important things to ask yourself are: (1) is there another answer? and (2) how many will I hurt by doing this?
I am NOT advocating against suicide – I would be a hypocrite to do so – I am only saying that you need to make sure all other options have been exhausted.
As for me, I have made this analysis and have drawn my own conclusions.Â I have reached the end of things.Â I have many things that weigh me down and none of these are “temporary” problems.Â I was diagnosed as suffering from severe depression over two years ago……and that was before bad things started to take place in my life.Â My only options are ongoing misery (that WILL NOT end – and I know this with a certainty) or peace.Â I choose peace.Â I know that I will be hurting at least three to four people by taking my own life and I regret this terribly.Â But there is a balancing that you have to do in life.Â There comes a point when you have to look and ask yourself “on balance is the pain I will cause them greater than the pain I will continue to endure?”Â In my case, I know with certainty that my pain will far outstrip most everybody else’s combined.Â There is only one person (my sister and only sibling) whose pain will approach mine and I have forced myself to stay alive as long as I have only because I didn’t want to cause her pain).
Count on it.Â I don’t bluff.Â If it is Saturday then it will be by heatstroke (I’ve been taking diuretics for a week now to help dehydrate myself and Saturday is scheduled to be 90 F – which means over 110 F inside a car – which should hopefully do the trick).Â If Saturday doesn’t work then on Sunday I’llÂ have little choice but to go the “death by Hibachi” route.Â I’ve already done a trial run and came fairly close – my instincts took over and I stumbled out of my car delirious – next time I’ll take an Ambien first.
Yes I am as scared as any sane person would be at the prospects of facing the “great beyond.”Â I am petrified of the end.Â But I am even more afraid to keep facing the ever-increasng pain of my life.