Another tortured soul pours their heart out and is ignored.

Here we go. Just tossing this essay of self-hate out there, so some sicko can read it and get their jollies off from my misery. Well, either that, or well-meaning people will drop some meaningless words of encouragement, sympathy, or advice.
Where should I start? I’m 26. I think about killing myself nearly every day. Things that I once found fun, I simply do to waste time. I no longer get any enjoyment from them. I’m in college, studying chemistry, but I really don’t see the point, and I don’t even know if I’m working toward a realistic goal. I work part time at a Home Depot. I do grunt work. I get paid less than $10/hr. I hate it. I hate working for a megacorporation.
I hate America. I hate what our culture has become, as everything just gets more shallow, and catered for mass consumption, works of music, film, etc. are becoming more meaningless, formulaic, predictable. I have my subcultures that I enjoy, but I don’t see eye-to-eye with the average person when it comes to entertainment and culture.
The corporations are to blame, as they’ve turned artistic mediums into a means of profit. Every song follows the same structure, the lyrics touch upon the same themes, the sitcoms recycle all the old jokes, and reinforce negative stereotypes applicable to all races, genders, etc.
The corporations control the US government. Their campaign contributions are unrestricted. Although your vote decides the result in the end, their money chose the candidate in the first place. The same talking points are recycled, and they speak in vague, understandable terms which mean very little, but sound pretty to the voters.
The politicians who we put in office owe no alleigance to us–they are working for the men who bought them their position–so they work to line to pockets of the already super-rich, while the middle class suffers.
We are slowly becoming a fascist state, and all the people care about is what’s on television. They don’t care what happens, as long as they have their comfortable distractions. They let themselves be mislead by the biased media (left and right), and none are capable of independent thought any longer. The news is full of celebrity worship, missing children, and the next big tech gadget that everyone’s going to blow their cash on. You rarely hear stories about major corporations violating workers’ rights in third world countries, or here at home. You just keep hearing about the fucking terrorists. The boogeymen. They want you to be afraid. This endless war seems to have become acceptable in the eyes of most Americans. Justified, even. We’re a bunch of xenophobic racist know-nothings.
Sometimes, I just wish for the apocalypse to hit us, because then it would cull all the worthless, hateful consumers.
So enough about the rest of the world. Let’s talk about my world. I see no point in anything. We are hurtling toward cultural, political, and economic destruction. Resources are wearing thin. Overpopulation, famine, disease… How can I even have goals? We’re doomed.
I drink all the time, I smoke pot, I smoke cigs, I drink too much coffee. I just abuse myself in search of the next possibility of happiness, with drugs.
My roommates don’t clean up after themselves. I don’t ask them to because I am not assertive. People walk all over me. I just like being generous, but people take advantage of me. I don’t care enough about myself to stick up for myself. I avoid conflict, even arguments, or simple requests.
I am a nice guy. I’m a *****. I fear rejection, so I’m accommodating, I play it safe.
I haven’t had sex in five years. I jack off to weird fetishes which fill me with shame.
One negative emotion sends my day spiraling into a pity party, and I just lay on the floor and envision a bullet passing through my parietal bone, through both lobes, and out the other side. I’m lucky I don’t own a gun.
I don’t know what to do. I am concerned for humanity, but they are only concerned for themselves. My philosophies do not align with the modern world. I just want to riot. I want to burn down corporate headquarters, I want to kill Congress. I want to world to be turned upside down, because no one even realizes how dystopian the most idolized country in the world has become.
I haven’t cried since I was 11 or so. I bottle up my anger and let it out on inanimate objects. I broke my laptop the other day. I stabbed it.
Therapy isn’t helping. My therapists insights have already occurred to me without his help. Antidepressants didn’t do shit. We just talk for an hour, and I drive home feeling numb, and unchanged.
My mother has cancer. I can hardly even show sympathy. I feel like all my relationships are drifting away from me, and it is because of my perceived social isolation that these relationships are degenerating. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I don’t know how to dig myself out of this hole. Despite positive days, and taking steps toward living a healthier happier life, I can’t get my head out of this mire of negativity.