I’m the good girl in my family. The smiling one. The girl who’s always offering to help out around the house. The girl my parents have never really had to worry about. I only ever argue with my sister, and I get on really well with almost my whole family. I’m the bright, spirited one. I have an opinion on everything, but I accept everyone. I’m the kind and loving girl and my parents constantly tell me how much I mean to them.
But that’s changed so suddenly.
In just a matter of days, I’ve fallen apart.
The thoughts have been there for years, but only now are they affecting me. It’s been a long time since I’ve gone a day without considering my own death, but recently that’s all I can think about.
It’s not like I’ve done anything wrong, either. I haven’t specifically fallen out with anyone or done anything I regret. All that happened was I spent a whole week lying on my bed with no motivation to do anything. Nothing at all.
And then on Friday night, I suddenly felt so sad. Sadder than I’ve felt in years. Not just sad either, really angry at everything- myself in particular.
I don’t know why my sadness and anger has suddenly hit, but it has. Massively, as well. I can’t stand to be around anyone for more than 20 minutes, and the moment someone gets too close to me, or makes me feel stressed or pressured, I scream at them and throw things. It’s not a hormonal thing, I’m sure of that because I’ve never felt this screwed up before.
I feel like I’m going insane. Like I said, death has always been at the back of my mind but right now it’s at the front. I keep thinking of methods, and how I’d make it as easy for my family as possible. And then I tell my brain to shut up, and that I’d never actually go through with it. But I don’t know- would I go through with it? I like to think I’m stronger than that, that I can fight this, but I feel so weak right now.
Weak and powerless and broken. As I said, I’ve been this way for a while, but now it’s overpowering.
Again, I ask myself why this is happening now?
Why do I want to die when I’m just 16 and have a whole life ahead of me?
But as I said when I posted yesterday, I’m still unsure of whether I want to die, or whether I just want to disappear. I suppose that all I really want is for all of this to stop.
I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. My lovely younger cousin came into my room earlier for a chat and I think to cheer me up, but I had nothing to say. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to get up and smile and laugh and make good conversation. But all I could manage were a few questions and some weak responses to her questions. Why? It was all there in my head, I kept telling myself what I should be doing and saying, but I couldn’t do it. Why? Why can’t I manage this basic, well meaning human interaction. This has never happened before to me. I’m smiley, I’m chatty, I’m not this strange shell of a person. But that’s all I can seem to be at the moment, and I don’t know why.
And why is it that every time I ask myself how I can sort this out, the only solution that comes to me is death. My own death. The rational side of me tells me there’s a thousand and one other options, but the irrational side of me just tells me to give it all up. The rational side of me usually wins, and that’s why I’m worried now- the irrational side is getting louder and more appealing to me.
I don’t think I want to kill myself, because it would hurt too many people. But at the same time, the thought of just leaving everything behind for good sounds incredibly tempting. And it’s getting so much more tempting by the day.
Whenever I think about how I’d do it, I get kind of excited at the possibilities. But then I freak out when I realise that someone’s going to have to find my body. And that’s what stops me. I don’t want to screw anyone else’s life up by ending my own. I don’t want my Mum to come into my room to wake me up in the morning, and realise I’m not breathing. I can’t bring myself to force anyone into that position.
But then again, right now I’m getting angry at everyone, I’m becoming someone else, not the perfect daughter. Is this my subconscious making it easier for me? Am I ruining these relationships to make letting go possible? That could be it.
But at the same time, do I want to die? There are times when I love my life and everyone in it, but more and more I hate everything and everyone for no reason. It’s basically like I’m battling myself with reasons to live or die.
At times I’m able to convince myself that it would be better for everyone if I died. They wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore, because I wouldn’t be there to hurt them or myself anymore.
I just can’t picture myself in the future anymore, and that scares me. I can’t see myself more than a few years older, no older than 18. I can’t imagine my future life at all. I know that it’s normal to have no idea of what I want to do, but this is different. It’s not a case of not Â knowing what I’ll be doing, it’s a case of not knowing if I’ll be here.
I was brought up perfectly, I’m sure of that. I’m neither spoilt or lacking in anything. My parents have always been there for me and everything. They couldn’t have done anything better, they’re perfect. So that proves it- a perfect childhood isn’t enough to prevent someone from being broken inside.
I don’t want to feel like this, but I do. None of it even makes sense, but that doesn’t stop it from happening.
I’ve changed completely. It’s like I can’t even have full control of myself anymore. This isn’t me. It can’t be me. I’m not this girl, I can’t be this girl. I don’t want to be this version of myself. Why can’t I just go back to being who I was before? I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard to be better but nothing’s working.
What if I stay like this for good? That terrifies me.
In my mind, the only way to stop this from happening, is to end it all.
And then I’m back where I started. Battling myself for either life or death.
When did it get so hopeless?
How can I begin to repair myself, when I don’t know what’s wrong with me?
It’s like parts of me are already dead. That scares me.
If you’re reading this, you know more about me than anyone in my life.
That scares me as well.
I don’t want to be here anymore.