I keep telling my guy that it’s getting harder & harder to not end my pain. I am flustered and short tempered with him bc I want him to help me, I want someone to see that I do not attempt I have been talking about it for a long time, that when I try I will in fact die. I have these reels of rapes and hurt, abandonment, success then failure that just play in my head and I cannot get them to stop. I did a program for PTSD and I use to be some hot shot CEO, but it’s like… I still feel empty. I still feel alone, and it’s not that he doesn’t help me… how can he? I will hear, “take a nap you are in a funk..” as he goes off and does his own thing. I’m 7 months pregnant and sometimes my son is the only thing I have to look forward to, but then I freak out and think… OMG, what if I break down and abandon him through suicide later on? How !!! ed up is that? I feel so scared, trapped, misunderstood and broken. If I hurt me, I hurt my baby… So I hold out, I hold on.. but how much longer can I do this? “Real heroes are men who fall and fail and are flawed, but win out in the end because they’ve stayed true to their ideals and beliefs and commitments”
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congrats on your son!! 🙂 i’ve never had any kids,(19)but i have younger siblings, they really do bring so much joy into your life.being a parent is the best job in the world,I think. you sound like a wonderful person,I can tell you really care about your son.I think the fact that you are worried speaks volumes about you. I think you will be a great mom. have you talked to anyone besides your family about what your going through?
Thanks, yeah i have, but I come from a family of tough love and then the other is realllllllly over baring. I like to try to fix things myself, and find some sort of lesson or exit for success through my pain. I’ve pretty much done all my goals for money and experience, annnd it’s gotten to the point where I try to explain what is going on in my head, but it comes out weird. I’m not a weak person, i’m very strong and motivated- I took some real awful situations and turned them into profit.
Sometimes it’s just nice to vent and say hey… i don’t know how much longer I can wait for things to change and I am too broken to fix them again. I got raped by a rich oil and gas guy in June of last year and it wasn’t as bad as some of my experiences, but it broke something inside me, and I’ve tried so hard to gt back to my kickin ass and taking names self, but… I’m failing and I hate that
I’m so sorry.:( i was abused when i was growing up.I had an eating disorder for years and I’m just now recovering,the abuse took so much away from me. did they get the SOB that hurt you?I’m still trying to overcome what happened to me,but I realized that we aren’t broken from this,they didn’t take away how beautiful we are. THEY are the ones that are broken,not us.hang in there.*hug* stay strong! you are inspirational. i hope I can find a good guy someday and become a mom too.your son is really lucky.
Na, it was a clusterfuck of situations. They say Bulimia is a result of sexual abuse. What I was told is its accepting situations that are happening and then rejecting them and taking back control, whch creates the cycle of acceptance rejection, no control, control. ect. I have an ED but its comforting to me so i half heartedly stopped.
Abuse really just messes with our heads… its stupid haha.
Become the person you wish to find, its physics and law of attraction is like attracts like so .. make a list of qualities and develop them. Aside from the depression, and ed, and suicidal tendencies all which i keep under strict lock n key, i seem great.. it’s just nice to be able to let it go sometimes
I was diagnosed with predominantly anorexia when i was 15 but I did delve into bulimia some too,esp. during recovery. that makes sense,it was definitely about control for me. that’s really good advice,thanks 🙂 it’s just hard sometimes because i feel like who i was did get taken away from me-like i died or just..it’s really strange and hard to explain…like I just couldn’t ever be that girl again,i’ll never be the same.but i will def. try making a list. this site is really great because it’s just a safe place to get all your emotions out. i hope it helps you too.
and do you have a name picked out? i love babies! lol. but you don’t have to say if you don’t want to.
idk how to get rid of the nightmares completely either.
@g4m hi. Use if the word clusterfuck caught my eye. It’s nice to have a strong intelligent woman here. I also work in a male dominated field so I know how special you must be to have made CEO. I’m sorry for all you suffererd.
Honestly sometimes talking to people like husbands and family is just not goof to make you feel better… They don’t understand ad thy don’t want to make you feel any worse so instead they chose to say nothing. It doesn’t mean thu don’t care it just means they are Ill equipt to talk about suicide. So maybe it’s better to talk to someone more objective.
I have a theory- u sound very independent and you don’t like to be patronized or consoled, maybe it makes you feel weak. Well maybe your husband has a similar attitude? Maybe he doesn’t want to give you too much sympathy because he also believes in ‘tough love’?
Stick around, we need more people like you.