(SORRY THIS IS GUNNA BE REALLY UNorganized, I just keep editing it, and adding info..Hi I’m a physically healthy (not so much mentally) 18 y/o girl, with many issues including: Severe anxiety (social), I have been depressed before, suicidal, I’ve been recently diagnosed with ADD. I think I might have avoidant personality disorder, mild ocd? mild sexual abuse and I think I had selective mutism as a child up until gr.11 when I dropped out of highschool, because I cracked . and alienated/avoided virtually all my friends(due to depression, humiliation and I didn’t want to have anything to do with my school.) I spend most of my time alone, or with my brother/ family.
I’ve wanted to move out of this city for years now because I don’t wanna see anyone I know,
I know I am pathetic, i am embaressed to evEN PUT THis up , and read the responses but i need help
I literally have only one friend and I don’t t hink she knows half of my problems, and even though I know she’d understand, I am embaressed to open up to her and idk.
I’ve never really fit in, always had severe troubles relating, I’ve always been different an awkward, and I’ve always honestly sucked at just about everything, no matter how hard I try. I feel like I’m superboring and come across as boring and lazy to everyone ecspecially when Im so pre-occupied with my issues and covering them up (which is the story of my life) WOWDO I HAVE ALOT TO WRITE, this is the condensed version btw)
I am lost. Just looking to see if theres anyone I can even remotely relate to.
I’ve finally realised that I’ve always found life some what excrutiatingly boring probably because I fail at virtually everthing and give up because I just can’t be like anyone else.I am not easily impressed, i am always very anxious, nervous, feeling guilty for no reason, and feel over whelmed and I literally feel ******** like I cant keep up with this world.
I am strange, but I didn’t say I wasn’t okay with being different, in fact i love it but I just feel like a freak sometimes, paranoid and alone.
I don’t mean to whine and be so negative, this is just such a good way to let it all out.
I’ve just SUFFERED IN SILENCE FOR, WELL, MY WHOLE LIFE.
There is alot more I’m probably missing but to many issues to list right now.
Words cannot describe how I feel . SERIOUSLY I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO GET MY 18oxillion thoughts on here and have you understand them.
I feel like a totaly loser/loner that I have no friends, no one understands that I didn’t wanna lose them, but I chose to , and I wish people could understand that I want friends,
I just always wanted to resTArt my life because mines pathetic and I feel like I am not aloud to change, and I feel paranoid that everyone in the world Knows how I am a freak.
School was always hell. No one can imagine how it feels to be me.
I feel like I have to tell everysingle detail theres not as much miscommunitcation(haha).
I have unique struggles that are hard to understand and explain, I am confused with myself I don’t even know what I want or whats wrong with me, I just love writing this down. I really think I am a friendly, genuine person, good/zany sense of humour,CLUMSY witty, SUCK AT SPORTSrandom, smart in some ways intuitive, creative,,plays keyboard by hear, just misunderstood…DID I MENTION CLUMSY? Sorry I just have sooo much to write.,
I don’t do illegal drugs, smoke, I don’t understand drinking, I’ve never killed anyone, I am generally a very gentle, extremely sensitive, polite, honest, generous girl. Just a bit insane .
I just hard to define, its actually hilarious how random I am, maybe bipolar? I think I act different around different people, idk its so complicated.
I am such a good person even I know, and I have sooo much potential but its hard to tap into it. I have / am currently recieving help with a psychologist, i really dont like going because i hate talking and expressing my self and explaining my self because it s impossible and well i hate talking period(.)
Uhhh i was gunna add soemthing but i forget…dang,,, must be my ADD. w/e ..
Thankyou for reading. 🙂 I reaaaally appreciate it.
7 comments
Im here. How can I communicate with you?
hi there
Is there an email? You can feel free to talk to me anytime
I don’t want to comment on whether I think I have it worse or not; I lurk here for the same reasons others do. I barely ever comment until I see someone struggling in a similar way.
I’m not saying we have it the same but I do know I went through all the anxiety you describe and despite my later successes in life (career, intelligence, twin sons) I still dwell on all hte negatives – mainly due to the miswired mess that is my brain.
I spent years suffering in silence; when I finally voiced myself in my mid-20’s even my closest friends doubted my continous (mis) diagnosis(es) that I prescribed myself. Finally, at 32, I came close to being arrested/sectioned and went through psychiatric assesments.
After thinking for years that I was bi-polar/BPD it turns out I’m autistic (HFA). Still waiting for some final tests (hopefully a brain scan) as although there are genetic factors involved (I didn’t know anyone from my fathers side until in my 20’s but there sure are some quirky ones) – my mother had pregnancy issues that contributed to definining who I would become (placenta previa, over active thyroid, almost miscarried).
I was selectively mute/shy/anxious as a child from my earliest memories of pre-school. I could be upset easily and over unexplainable things (and continue to do so although now at least I can rationalise some of it). As I grew older; hiding these emotions and the overwhelming need to cry over all the pain I felt in the world and environment around me became harder and more necessary. Even if I were a girl – which I’m not – if I left my true self out on display the whole time I would probably be declared a hystrionic freak.
Until my teens I was so obsessed by knowledge that I could be easily tricked or fooled into beleiving anything; gullible beyond belief. I also found certain personality types uncomfortable or hard to be around (that has gotten easier from 14+ but some phony types will always grate on my skin).
There are darker places I could go but I wont because those aspects of my problems I spend 24/7 addressing and don’t need an audience for them (despite the anonimity this blog provides).
Anyway, I’ve rambled on enough about myself. I guess what I’m trying to say to you is that the maps we all draw of our lives are not really the territory. Then we use an imperfect language full of symbols and mixed meanings to describe the map – and that is even further from the real territory – ourselves. Don’t get hung up on labels. I feel a little bit better knowing that I’m HFA but that doesn’t make my problems go away. Nor does it make reflecting on all the painful mistakes that I’ve made that has brought me here any easier to face. Drugs – legal or otherwise – only really treat the symptom and not the cause. I finally succombed to trying OTCD anti-depressants and they nearly killed me (seratonin syndrome – quite a pleasant way to go really – apart from the fits at the end). Don’t focus on fitting in with the world – just focus on yourself and watching what makes you happy and what makes you anxious. Then perform/avoid those things respectively as much as you can without causing a nuisance to yourself or others.
Good luck.
Not much older than you. 22.Generalized Anxiety Disorder,Agoraphobia,Severe social anxiety disorder,AvPD, ADHD,Major Depressive Disorder,Hallucinogen persisting perception disorder, alcoholic, intraveinous heroin and cocaine addict. Chemically dependent on xanax,valium and heroin. About the only thing I have going for me is I’m a guitarist, but am unable to play in front of anyone without significantly upping my dosage of prescribed benzos.
You mentioned you played the keys, wanna start up a band?
Hi, idunno… You are definitely not pathetic. I understand what it’s like to be lost… and I understand how challenging it can be. While my life story is a bit different, there are some similarities. You don’t do anything illegal and you’ve had a lot of struggles… To me, you come across as someone with a good heart who got caught up in some battles… some internal and some external. Perhaps something I’d do is work on your GED. That will give you a foundation to build so much more on. You mentioned having ADD… I know from personal experience how challenging ADD can be. You can work through it… and the other struggles you mentioned. Try to handle things one by one… Don’t overwhelm yourself. Don’t give up.
Congratulations! You have made a very big step by placing your thoughts here.