there’s something positive waiting for you at the corner ?
feel like you aren’t experiencing all this inner turmoil for nothing or because the universe hates or forgot about you ?
that there will be an end to the tunnel ? that you may be building inner strength without being aware of it ?
that one day, you may cross the bridge between hopeless and hopeful ?
22 comments
the universe hates me. whenever i get a taste of happiness, in reality it’s just setting me up for the immense pain that will follow soon after.
I hope and pray so, truthbetold. I can’t say that I’m confident in crossing that bridge, but I maintain the faith… or do my best to try to maintain it.
for me it’s more like I know there is a positive in life but i just can’t feel it when i’m down, and it’s not real when i’m manic. besides, it’s all about getting to that bridge. the battle before you get there is hell, but if you actually fight through it…who knows? it just seems soooooo far away!! and the fight is getting the better of me
I’ve felt this way .. a shitty, chaotic adolescence where I was overweight & on my own .. serene for a few years, then back to the tunnel (a way darker one)
I believe that at some point, you may start to lose interest in living, experiencing happiness, ask yourself what’s the point of rising if the rise’s always followed by a more noticeable fall
but I also believe that with time you get better at handling dark periods .. at least I hope so
Hope is a feeling you get watching your horse in the parade ring. Hopelessness is the feeling you get watching your money going into the bookies satchel. Being positive usually occurs when I’m drunk, but that quickly turns to hopelessness. It’s a recurring event.
@truthbetold –
I agree that, over time, you get better at handling the dark periods… Once you learn and expect something, it’s easier to respond and cope. At the same time, as in my situation, the dark periods often become more intense. Endless battles, isolation, distrust, and whatever else get tiring. Sooner or later, it is what it is and enough is enough. I’m not there yet… but I didn’t arrive at this site for its baseball scores.
@distant.road
sometimes, depression gets so overwhelming, draining & invasive that you feel like you’ve become 100% dark, that light will find its way through the chore of your being never again .. I was feeling this way 4-5 weeks ago
I can only wish you much strength in your struggle
I don’t post baseball scores. Football and horseracing results but not baseball.
@sparkeyes: I can relate to feeling extremely drained while trying to reach the other side of the bridge
@duke of marmalade: alcohol tends to uplift my mood too
@truthbetold – Thank you. I pray for strength and for the light.
@Duke of Marmalade – Football scores will work. Horseracing? Not so much.
When I smoked, cigarettes were a huge stress release for me… I could get through almost anything with a cigarette break. I quit several months ago and I refuse to start smoking again… Perhaps I should… but I won’t due to the principle of not doing it. So I’m gaining physical health points and losing mental health points.
Distant is a habitual optimist on this site. It is the allure, the friendly and sometimes fractious reception that some find compelling. Those at the edge of despair incite the need to comment and a feeling of omnipotence that is found in exhortation. If the expression of an opinion or a statement of fact was confined to discussion, it would be inconsequential despite any argument to the contrary.
Duke of Marmalade… No matter what I’m going through, I don’t think I should negatively impact someone else. There are so many young people on this site… and I want them to work hard and not give up. Their whole lives are ahead of them. I’m past the school years… and well-dug into various situations. There is a difference. I would -never- encourage anybody, much less somebody in their teens or twenties, that suicide is the answer. That’s not right. My opinion.
I don’t know what you are going through distant.road, but you should know that what you are doing here is helping and making a POSITIVE impact on many lives. we’re all here for each other, all of us, and while we are talking about the difficulties in life, we are also reaching out and helping others out of their holes, and at the end of the day we can feel better about ourselves as well as our situation
Thank you, sparkeyes… We are all here for each other… and all of us are experiencing difficulties. I know the challenges that I go through in life… and I wish them on nobody. I very much wish that all of us could resolve our personal issues and move forward. Life has struggles… No doubt… and with time and effort we should be able to overcome those struggles… Quite often, people do. I pray for that.
i wish i could still pray :/ I’m greek orthodox christian by birth but when I got sick for the first time in eighth grade I had a huge struggle with the thought that if I could not stop myself from committing suicide, that would make me go to hell. and i had this terrible fight with myself over how god would damn me even if i was out of control when doing so. and that hurting myself was hurting god’s temple. i had a hard time with all of that. and when i got to the point where i couldn’t stop i just felt this huge disconnect, and no matter how much i try I can’t get that same connection during prayer back again
Although I am Christian, sparkeyes, I consider religion to be a personal decision. I understand your thought process. Different arguments can be made about whether suicide brings you to hell (I have never believed it does). I won’t debate religion here because I don’t want it to become an obstacle in someone’s moment of crisis.
With that said, you have plenty of time to review your religious beliefs. As school concludes, the working world begins, and life unfolds, you may choose to go another direction. For now, it’s really important to take your of you. Few things are as important.
correction.. second to last sentence: … really important to take CARE of you.
Sometimes I feel like this and then something else bad happens and i just want to find a rope and hang myself.
I used to feel like that.
I thought that all the bad was leeching out of my lifes supply now, in order to save up for the good times later. As time went by again and again, with good deeds returning bad karma, undeserved, I began to doubt.
What is it we as humans love about perception and expectations?
Don’t we ever think that things don’t always go as written by the book?
What I mean is that we are RAISED to believe, somehow, that bad things can’t happen, or continually happen to a good or average person. Are most of us not average people who at some point believed we were walking a dark path because it led to a lighter one?
Why do we always expect fairy tales to have happy endings?
Why do we always associate love with heartbreak, or one ended lusting?
When someone tells us they feel depressed, we spit out robotic rehersed words we have heard on movies, or read in books.
“It will be okay”
“Things will get better.”
“You just have to look on the bright side.”
“Kids are starving in Africa, you’re not hard done by.”
When people would say these words to me, I would smile sweetly and thank them for the gratitude, but mentally slap them in the face for not understanding.
That’s just it though, those who have never wanted to die every single day, or felt like they didn’t belong in their body, life, family or basically the planet, they can’t possibly contemplate a feeling like these. It’s like telling humans that there is another colour in the rainbow, one we haven’t seen before.
I feel that once you see this colour, this perspective on life, it is so overwhelming and you just can’t un-see it.
We think, in general, that mental illness is something curable.
“You’ll get better! Don’t do it!”
“Suicide is selfish”
“Just talk to someone! Get help!”
“It’s never too late!”
If only they could see, that sometimes a person can be so mentally ill, that it is the same as a terminal illness. Your life is inhibited in much the same way, you are in a state of pain, can’t function like a normal person and literally live your life in a state of disability.
If only they could stop hard wiring their brains into thinking that every unhappy, sick, mental person could somehow be cleaned up and stuck back into the invisible string of society approved people, then maybe people wouldn’t make suicide such a taboo subject.
Then maybe we could start bringing it out the closet and fixing the issues.
Have you ever noticed the more you hide, or the harder you try to push something away, the need for it is stronger, and it becomes harder to ignore?
Like needing to go to the toilet at night, when you have gone to bed.
Anyway I have no idea where this is going.
Just started typing.
But I know what you meant by this post, sometimes when I’m out in public, just on the street or at a shop, I’ll have to run to the bathroom and cut myself. And If I can’t make it there, or don’t have anything, I’ll start pressing my nails into my wrists. This is good because It hurts badly with continued pressure, but doesn’t leave marks for others to see.
Wow, I’m screwed.
@winterose: I understand your analogy with the terminal illness patients, I was telling my mother about this a few hours ago
I resent this society because it doesn’t give ‘mentally ill’ people the option to leave in a painless manner .. we’re forced to live & keep being harrassed by our demons because the majority are uncomfy with the fact some people get to a point they’d pick death over life .. why the f-ck would he/she choose death ?? death is a door to the unknown and the unknown is quite scary .. what if it’s 10x worse on the other side ? what if religious authorities were wrong or had lied to me ? I don’t want to think about all of this !
also, most have no real understanding of tremendous mental pain so they’d rather label you overly dramatic, weak-minded, crazy: it requires much less mental effort .. and remember, the majority is always right
I try my best to be helpful & positive but then I see EVIL everywhere .. will I wait for some God to come free me ? I don’t think so .. I intend to leave when I *truly* feel like I can no longer take it, when there’s no crumble of hope left
Right on there.
It feels like such a push and pull, people screaming not to jump into the unknown, and people preaching that fire awaits there, and pain for choosing to end this.
But when I see all the evil of this world, I just canno’t understand it. And it disturbs me to a point I can’t contemplate.
And your so right, just because we aren’t limping or wearing casts, doesn’t mean were not ill. I have been through the health system many times, and where I live on the Gold Coast, it is an utmost failure. When I have been hospitalised it was only so easy to lie my way out. There needs to be so much more education on how to read a person who is in need of hospitalisation. But riding on that point, it is so humanly wrong to shove someone in a mental instituation when all they need is peace.
They are ostracised, treated like animals and put away.
One time, after I cut my wrists badly and someone found me, they didn’t anaesthise the wounds before stitching them. It hurt like hell, which was something I couldn’t say because, hey, I just cut my wrists. So when he was sticking a needle in my cuts over and over, I said nothing. I didn’t let out a sound. Only felt so much disgust over what he did.
There was a girl in there too, who had taken way too much LSD. She was freaking out, and was tied down. The doctors were not treating her with respect, because as a young drug abuser or self harmer we are seen as lesser people.
I ran from my bed into her section, and I told her to calm down, and that I understood that these people couldn’t understand how reckless life can be. I wrapped my arms around her, and it was the most beautiful and strange moment of my life. She wasn’t trying to rip herself from the bed. And then two nurses came in and pulled my (freshly stitched) arms behind my back, with so much force and pulled me out. Like I was some kind of maniac. The girl started to freak out again after that.
But that was off topic.
I too try my best too give everything to others, my compassion and advice, and I find it well enough for others. But everything has shifted, and when you feel pain you want release right? So some people choose to seek it themselves, through the unknown.
And if these is a God who sends people into eternal fires just for wanting a release from pain and anguish, then I do not want to exist in this life, or the next one. And I will never comply to living a life in fear of upsetting a higher being, because that is just a life half lived anyway!
No, I can’t believe that. I like to think love and wholeness comes next.