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dont want to live

by tphg

life and living, for me, is an outfit. you put on all these clothes that weigh you down but eventually, end of the day comes; time to strip ’em off and rest.

I’m afraid that I’m genuinely losing my mind. That analogy, if you can call it that, is a half finished thought. So many of my thoughts are half finished and incoherant; I’M half finished and incoherant HAHAHA! self loathing is always hilarious.

I try to wear my life for as long as possible, but I always end up stripping it off and proclaiming myself animal.

What am I saying? WHat am I writing? How is any of this even possible? I type these symbols and you know what I’m saying; words represent reality.. but nothing I say holds any weight in the real world.

WHat does that even mean? They say that the why is not important, but that you should just enjoy the ride.

JUst live your life and enjoy yourself; don’t worry about the games that we play. DO what you truly enjoy. BUT, there’s nothing. Nothing satisfies me.

I put the charade that things are copacetic but by golly they aren’t, and I don’t know what it would take to right things.

My body feels like trash most of the time. My mind is worn out and constipated. My brain gets it but doesn’t “get it”. Am I being crazy for the sake of being crazy?

I just want to die. I have nothing and no one. It’s not possible for me to possess anything. I’m just an animal. I have no sense of ownership. I’ve had this feeling for several months, like I want to tear myself apart like a piece of offensive paper.

Why can I word so well when I’m so unwilling? The two are unrelated but.. and no ones going to have anything to say to this. I’m so fucking alone.. so so so alone. i feel like the walls are closing in and soon it’ll be smoosh! ill just be a pasty stain.

bone and muk. I wish I were an artists. I can write these symbols, this english language; I understand it. I get it. I don’t get anything else though. I know how to act; I don’t know how to be. I can create multitudes of personalitites, store ’em all in my brain, but what good do they do? none of it feels real, and again, no one can hear me. I’m all alone because I place myself alone, and away.

I have no respect for humans. My god, self hating to the max. rant rant rant. rant rant.

I wish someone… argg, i don’t want validation, my body does. SO I do. I am my body, it wants acceptance. while rejecting. acceptance while rejecting. accept me while I reject you. I’m beyond help because I put myself there. Truth is I don’t want to be saved and live in this world.

It’s so illogical and uninteresting. every moment feels like a waste, like, like like, as a human, I’m just incapable of using time correctly. it feels like I had the knowledge once, that I knew what time was for, and using it for anything less feels atrocious. I feel atrocious. I feel self destructive. I don’t understand but what don’t I understand. why am I so discontent? I feel sick, like a virus is within me. What good are my words if they’re so vile? why would anyone read them. listen to them. i hate myself so the world hates me. i need a clue before i spontaneously combust.

what can i do, that i enjoy, that society will deem acceptable? i feel like smashing this keyboard in half across my face. why can i type and make so much sense with my fingers, but nothing else works? unrelated.

I hate looking at these words that I’ve typed and knowing that they aren’t going anywhere. what a fucking waste.

im the wastegawd

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4 comments

Lu-Tze 3/21/2012 - 5:27 pm

Eloquently put, I feel the same; I wish we could have suicide booths and they were a totally socially accepted thing…

I was thinking about running away and building a homestead to get away from it all, but unfortunately my brain is attached and will follow me wherever I go…

I hope we can find something with meaning.

truthbetold 3/21/2012 - 7:37 pm

as you know, life doesn’t have an inherent purpose .. you have to create one and it seems to happen naturally to many

goals people set is a result of their mind trying to prevent them from thinking about death (death is boredom closest friend).. whether you find a purpose or not, you’re still gonna die .. it makes things you’d accomplish look futile .. why bother then ? why were you even here in the first place ?

are you a truth seeker ? you could be losing your mind cause you’ve been trying to grasp things (life’s absurdities) that cannot be understood from an earthly position .. or maybe you tried to go back to being the old, functional-in-society you, a version of you that’s incompatible with your gain in awareness ?

I hope I’m making sense

truthbetold 3/21/2012 - 7:50 pm

* the old, functional you a gain in awareness shaping the new you

man I hate that I sound like a know-it-all

truthbetold 3/21/2012 - 7:51 pm

* you vs a gain

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