down.

thoughts of suicide have become my happy place. before i go to sleep i think of what it would feel like (or not feel like) to be dead and gone, it’s become my solace. i forgot how to be happy. i see nothing to live for. i just underwent a rather difficult breakup. it came at a time when i needed him the most. things were pretty bad at home and i was having a very hard time at school. we broke up during my exams and so I’ve definitely failed those.
i cant cry myself to sleep anymore because it’s pathetic. i don’t pray for happiness anymore but just to stop being so miserable. at times i wonder how you can feel so much pain and still be alive. i want to go far far away and death seems like the ultimate destination. i keep looking at my prescription pills and wonder which i should pop so they can take me there, but nothing seems strong enough.
i see love around me, my friends, my family, but i know they’ll move on when i die.
getting up in the morning is the hardest part of the day and before i fall asleep i ask God to take my life; I’m utterly disappointed when i wake up. i tried escaping through sleep but sleep decided to escape me instead.
I’m writing this because i feel I’ve come to my end. i don’t know what to do.
I’m 20.