I have happy moments. Immensely happy moments. However, at the back of my mind there’s always that darkness there. It’s like I’ll be doing something great and fun and I’ll be feeling great, then I suddenly think to myself about whether I’m still desperate to disappear. The answer’s always ‘Yes’. That scares me. When I’m having a darker day, things feel worse, but it bothers me that even on my better days, I’d still rather be elsewhere.
I want to go back to when I never questioned my existence.
I want to laugh today without considering the tears of tomorrow.
I want to have good days unquestionably.
I want my dark thoughts to be a thing of the past.
I want to both scream and laugh at the same time.
I want to tell someone how screwed up I am, but I don’t want anyone to know.
I want to lie around crying and sleeping all day.
I want to both rise above and hide behind all of this.
I’m just confused, lost, happy, sad, worried, stressed, tearful, optimistic, alone, silent, stubborn, empty, pessimistic, smiley, fun, positive, depressed, cheery, suicidal, joyous, friendly, alive and real.
But I’m also dead at the same time. Inside I feel dead, and like I’m not even here at times.
I don’t know. I really don’t know. I feel both everything and nothing at the same time. I want to give up and end it all, but I also want to fight back and prove myself wrong. I want to die, but I also want to live.
I am lost and I am confused.
“I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that can be” (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)