Here for you

A lot of people I know say that they are there for me.  That they will listen to what I say and not make their own assumptions.  But they are never there, and they never listen.  They make their assumptions, and state their opinions as if they are the facts of the world.  The counselors ask me questions that I mainly can’t answer, because it would give some secret away.  And when I do answer, they say I’m lying, give their own answer, and decide that they are right.  Even thought they don’t know the things they say about me.  They are supposed to be professional, yet they base their reactions, responses, every single word, off of their emotions.  They expect me to trust them, when all they do is give me reason not to.

My parents are the same.  They say that they love me, and also say that I love them.  I don’t.  If anything, I wouldn’t notice or care if they died in some accident.  Mom cries when she hears that I don’t care, when she knew it all along.  Dad is impassive.  A passive-aggressive person.  I explain to them once again why I don’t care, why I have no reason to care, and why I do the things I do.  And they still don’t understand, because I explained it too well, too intelligently, that they can’t comprehend it.  They are not there for me.  I don’t want them to be either.

People lie and make promises they don’t intend to keep.  But they still expect me to respect, trust, and love them.  How can you respect someone, when they don’t give you any reason at all to respect them?  Why trust someone, when all they’ve ever done is break their promises and betray you? Why love someone, when they aren’t deserving of it?

I admit, I don’t deserve any of those things either.  And I don’t want them.  Not from humans, who often will turn on themselves and each other in an instant for absolutely no reason other that a simple slip of the tongue, a bump, a small action.  I would rather have these things from animals, because they focus more on the well being of another, and aren’t that selfish.  They take what they can get and make the best of it.

My parents don’t care if I hurt myself anymore.  But if I do it enough, they say they’ll send me to inpatient or a hospital.  They won’t.  The counselor says I need to take responsibility for my place and effect on society.  I told her I will only take responsibility for the things I actually do.  I won’t take responsibility for my existence, because it’s not my fault I was born.  Right now, I’m wishing that something horrid would happen to me, just so I don’t have to deal with incompetent people.  Who are all around me.  It’s called society.

I’m hoping that perhaps someone will pick a fight with me, or that someone will randomly stab me, or I’ll get shot, or hit my a vehicle.  I just want something to happen so I can escape for at least a little while from my house, my school. my life but I don’t want to die.  Because it would be pointless.  I just want to be entirely and completely along for some time.  In a single bed hospital room, enveloped in silence.  But not in the psych ward.