Ive actually forgotten how to be happy, how to actually smile and mean it instead of pretending i mean it, I’m so used to pretending im happy that i dont actually no how to anymore 🙁
I try and do the things that i love doing, talking to people who i love talking to but nothing seems to work, i just dont no how to be happy anymore, if im ever happy i literally lasts for about 5mins and then its like im back to reality again! Today i went to see my nan and there was loads of trouble down there and today i realized how much this family has been pushed apart and that makes me really sad when i think of how close we all used to be!
My cousin, she knows everything about me and i mean everything but i dont like talking to her about it because shes family an it feels kinda weird, she says to me how do you manage to get out of bed in the monring and smile like nothing is wrong? Well i ask myself that very same question i dont know how i do it, i dont want to do it all i ever want to do is break down and cry but i no i cant! I wear sunglasses alot even when its not sunny because if i do cry then no-one can see!
There was this guy not that along ago, he was about 8years older than me, he was perfect everything about him, he made me so happy even with everything i had going on with family, friends and stuff he always made me smile even when all i wanted to do is cry! after seeing him for 4months he deicided to leave me without saying nothing he just stopped calling, txting, it turned out that the whole time he was just using me for sex! ( he never new about what i used to do) So that was the end of that, id never felt so more alone!
I’m sitting in my room now writting this, telling you all this and not even knowing really what to say, i cant explain how i feel! The girl i used to be was always happy always smiling i feel like apart of me has died! Why do things have to get so hard! Why do friends have to turn on you? Why does family have to fall apart? Why cant things be simple! I feel like im in this really dark place and no matter how much i try to find a way out i cant!
I really dont no what else to say, im sitting here like i dunno, just like i dont no! :'(