I believed

I left my second marriage after my wife became so consumed by alcohol and pills that I couild not take the neglect and constant trampling of my spirit any longer. Every time something bad happened to us it was because I was a loser, yet she refused to participate in the marriage or any of the important decisions, setting me up for the blame if things dod not work out.

After leaving, I was found by my first wife, who had been the love of my life but had left me 20 years earlier for another man. She had tried to get back with me shortly after leaving but I did not trust her and was afraid of thepain again. she was married again but had left because she was being abused and was living with her mother. I let her move in with me , and she explained that she wanted me back for all those years but did not want to ruin my second marriage. We reunited. She was undergoing pain management because of an auto accident, and eventually had spinal fusioon to end disc problems and pain. The surgery failed, the nerves in her back and legs deteriorated until she was unable to walk. I was taking good care of her. She is my life, I love this girl more than life itself. Last week i could not wake her up one morning. Called 911, took her to the hospital and she was in a coma for 3 days. She woke up telling me she loved me but not herself, delerium. I thought she might have tried to kill herself, but all her pills were still in their bottles. Now, for the past 2 days she tells me to leave when I go to see her in the hospital, I think she did something because she feels like she is aburden to me and my life would be better without her. My life is OVER without her. I lost everything taking care of her, my business, all of my assets, my family and friends who hate her. But it wasn’t her fault, I made those choices. If she doesn’t snap out of this and change her mind, if she won’t have me in her life, then I am done. I cannot go on like that. I am so tired of this world where no one cares or helps. People complain all the time of those who live on assistance, but I’d like to know,WHAT assistance? I haven’t been able to get any, there is no assistance. OK, I get some unemployment, and she got disability – $900 a month, $50 a month in food stamps. If not for ONE friend who took us in, temporarily, we would e living in my run-down minivan, and her disabled. You know, when she qualified for disability, she LOST her state health insurance because her UNEARNED income was too high – $900 A MONTH! And now she doesn’t want me. I don’t know how long I will give her, but I swear to God if she insists on locking me out, then I’m checking out. I just want the best, surest, easiest way to go. I have done so much for so many people over the years, I just feel complete;ly abandoned. I really don’t know why the stress and anxiety hasn’t killed me by heart attack or something already.