I thought I had beaten the bad thoughts, but apparently not. They’re back. Again… They’re back, they’re stronger than ever and I’m too tired to face them. I really wish people could know how many times I’ve fought this off…. How many times all I could think of was not waking up again. How many times I’ve drafted the same letter, trying to find the right words to explain to the people I love why I had to leave them. And each time, I get closer… The letter is now 11 pages long. It is placed in the right place to be found by the person who it is meant for. The right pills are always at arms reach at night, my razors perfectly sharpened across from it.
This started years ago… All I ever wanted was to be good enough, and it seemed like I never was, so I just tried harder. Until recently, when I realized I’d never be good enough. I’m not good enough for my own parents, much less myself or other people. When I walk in public, I feel like people see my inadequacies plastered over my shoulders like billboards, a walking advertisement to my own imperfections. What happened to the boy that was so self assured, so confident? Where has the spark behind his eyes gone? Why is his face always cast towards the ground?
That little boy grew up. His self assurance was destroyed when his own family laughed at and ridiculed him. His confidence thinned as he failed to meet the expectations of others over and over again. These days, it can be measured out in teaspoons… The spark behind his eyes that used to hint at an undying optimism has been quelled by life. Failure has been a harsh instructor to him. He no longer expects greatness, rather accepts mediocrity. It shows in his composure. These days, its more about just going through the motions. He is a member of a community that loves a God that finds him repulsive, so he casts his face downward to save him from himself. Praying that the demons would all just go away. But their torment never ends. And things just get worse. And in the middle of it all, I’m breaking. No one knew until recently but now its starting to be noticeable. I need help.
The demons that used to haunt my head are starting to get out. They taunt me during the day, they drive me away from all the things that I love the most…And my nights, offer no relief. There is no rest in sleep. My eyes stay open until dawn every day, and I do it again the next. Hours of fighting an enemy that doesn’t tire. And every morning, when I wake up, I realize that I won that round, but the next is just beginning. Eventually, I will not win. Soon I will be too tired to fight anymore. And I’m so mixed up, I couldn’t tell you if that was a good thing or not.