I wanted to call him so badly. I hurt him telling my story and my addiction of self harm. He needed to hear my voice and i needed to hear his. But i couldnt call him because my parents would hear the conversation. They know nothing about him or my problems. They don’t need to know and they probably don’t give a shit. They are part of the problem too anyways. I asked him how he was really feeling. And he answered with lonely. I feel horrible. I feel lonely everyday and i don’t want him to feel that pain. I don’t know the future but i think he is going to abandon me. I don’t think he can handle a suicidal friend. I wish he lived close. I wish i can just run away to where he lives. But i can’t. I’m scared. I need somebody. All i have is him. The guy that i think i’m falling in love with. Maybe i should just end this friendship before it gets worse. I don’t know. I just want everything to be ok. I want to be ok. I have never told anybody my story. My real story. I don’t know. I need to stop thinking so much and maybe i’ll get some rest. I miss feeling happy. i fail at everything. I can’t stop thinking about how he feels. What if i caused him to become depressed? Or what if he went towards self harm? Did i ruin his life? Am i a distraction? i have alot of questions and i just need to know. Will he be ok, if i leave forever? I don’t know if i can live like this any longer. I have been staying strong for 2 years and i’m at the same spot, but worse. I don’t think i can make it any longer than a year. I can’t dissappoint more people. I already dissappoint my parents. I’m a lazy, whiny, anorexic, retarded child according to them. I just simply don’t know. Maybe i should look forward to the date i picked for myself. I think i should just do a countdown. I wish he was here to comfort me.
Why do i always want something that can never happen?
2 comments
You really don’t know. I recently lost someone who is so important to me. Right now I am clinging to the hope that over time we will solve this and get past this. He was also my support so I know how you feel. I am scared I pushed him away because I couldn’t handle myself or that there were just too many obstacles in the way. There are so many reasons he can’t be in my life….but all I know is I’m not sure those reasons are enough. But I (and you) have to have faith that it will either pass or that if it is true it’ll eventually work itself out. Because the universe doesn’t give us these opportunities for nothing. They’re either here for us to learn from and grow stronger from…or they’re here because we are incomplete without them. And if we are incomplete then time and fate will ensure that we get through so we can put the pieces back together.
I’m afraid i might lose him.
But i see you still here standing strong and that is giving me hope.
You are so damn strong even when you lost that important someone.
Maybe i can be stronger for a little while too.
Thank you for posting that.
It means alot, really.
Don’t give up and i wont either.
<3