So, my mother keeps a bottle of her Ambien hidden in her dresser, and I’m usually home alone for about 4-5 hours on weekdays, 10 hours on Friday nights. I keepÂ planning, saying my goodbyes over and over again, but every time it comes to that time, I freeze up. Not because of myself, but because I’m afraid how it will effect the people I care about. It’s a hard thing to think about, balancing a pill between your lips and debating what impact you’ve made on the people around you, no matter how small. Then of course, there’s the fear I’ll find myself Â awake, and my most painless option gone.
I’ve been reduced toÂ flippingÂ a coin. This is about the fourth time I’ve waited, and each time my coin lands on heads. The irony just keeps growing every time too. This morning my Mom talked about the importance of doing the thing that makes the most sense in your head, even if it seems hard, while the first message that popped up when I looked at my computer was “5 reasons today won’t suck”
I never feel sad while I’m holding the pills, just thoughtful. It isn’t until I think about setting them down for another day that I start feeling my chest hurt. I’m so tired…..