I just need someone to talk to.

I’m feeling bipolar again. My ups and downs are becoming more noticeable. I had another nervous breakdown…Its just barely March, and I’m running out of fingers to count them on.

I’m stressed

I’m anxious.

I’m angry.

I’m sad.

I’m depressed.

I began snapping a rubber band against my wrist again. That feeling of pain that leaves marks, if only temporary, provide immediate relief from my life. I know a lot of you here know exactly what I’m talking about. That sweet sting…maybe you bleed. If you do, I’m jealous.
I wish I had the courage to bleed…but I’m stuck somewhere between my depression and the highs. Or maybe I’m just a coward – too scared to actually make  a decision, too afraid to make a move.

But then…

I’m relieved

I’m breathing.

I’m happy.

I can fly.

The rubber band gets replaced with pretty bracelets.

I’m afraid to talk to anyone about it. After my previous attempt at talking to my doctor about my anxiety/depression (see previous post about said [failed] attempt) I’m scared they’ll overreact…Try to have me committed or put in the hospital for a 48hr suicide watch…I keep tossing the idea of finding another doctor…and omitting certain information…try to get on some medication…maybe it will help.

But I’m afraid of medicine too.

I’m a coward.

I’m indecisive.

I’m just…

here.

This morning I was mellow, which is rare. I went from mellow, to REALLY happy, to REALLY sad, to REALLY frustrated, to SUPER *****-mode, to REALLY happy, to REALLY depressed.

I can’t seem to find a good balance of my emotions. Even if something does happen in my day to make me happy or angry or whatever…its never just a little happy, a little sad, a little angry. Its always so overdramatic…but not on purpose.

I wish I could find a way to make it all go away.

Without the rubber bands

Without medicine.

Without the pain.

Without the tears.

Without taking my own life.

Good night, and like always…

Hope I don’t wake up in the morning…but I probably will.