i seriously need to vent right now.
I’m so incredibly tired of being overlooked. Tired of being the bad guy.
No matter what I say, no matter what I do, no matter how I feel, it always gets turned around on me.
You were always the reason I hurt myself…even when I was only ten years old. You were always the reason I resorted to hurting myself, just so I could forget about the fucking emotional abuse you put me through. Â Even now that I am old enough to walk away when I need too, somehow you still manage to get under my skin and destroy every ounce of self-confidence that I have.
I give up. I’m fucking done with your mind games. Â You want to call ME selfish? Look in the god damn mirror. NO MATTER WHAT I DO, its never going to change. Â I’m so tired of being raised up so high, tired of you making me believe you’ve changed, only to be completely let down in two seconds flat…
I just wish those around me could see (and care about) how much you make me hurt.
You are the reason I cut. If I had the confidence to tell you that, I would. Maybe it would destroy you too.
Maybe I just won’t wake up in the morning…because every day, something reminds me of you. Regardless if its you making another failed attempt at being a good father, or if its because I hear you in my head…you just won’t stop will you?
I think right now, I would just like to be told that its going to be okay, and make me believe it. although that seems like an impossible task right now…not sure if anything anybody says would make the pain anymore bearable. I don’t want to cut…I don’t want to hurt…but it seems like its the only familiar thing that will provide me any source of comfort.
I’m desperate for a way out. I’m ready to admit that all this is just a pathetic cry for help. Somebody prove me wrong. show me there is a way to survive this mess I’m in without crying myself to sleep at night, without intentionally hurting myself…I’m not asking for God, I’m simply asking for some real proof that there is a way out without jumping off a bridge.
My last words to you “father” (even if I can’t say them to your face) are: Fuck you. Consider yourself dead to me. I’m tired of your shit, so, fuck you and goodbye.