You left me, James. Not even a text or a message to say you were ending it. I know I wasn’t the best friend I could have been… should have been… But I wish you’d at least tried. I would have tried to help, even though I was so far away. Maybe I could have talked you out of it for a little while… maybe it would have been long enough for you to realize that maybe suicide wasn’t the thing for you. You could have had so much.
I feel so selfish, sitting here and thinking as I write this, that maybe all the things we talked about so often could have happened. That I could have maybe made a difference so this wouldn’t have happened. I know I wasn’t that important to you. I may have been just that girl you talked to when you needed to talk, that you had to talk out of cutting and suicide of my own.
I’m afraid that I may have added to your depression… And I hate that. I want you back. We were gonna meet each other one day. We were gonna hang out and talk…. Sure, we skyped and texted and called… but that’s not the same.
I MISS you James. I feel awful for not trying to contact you more… The last time we talked you said yo felt as if I didn’t care about you anymore. That’s not true. I really do care about you. I still do. I’m not sure about religion, so I can’t rely on that to make sure you’re ok wherever you are now. I know you were a good person, a wonderful person, who cared about people. Yes, you’d made mistakes. But everyone does. I know about the depression, and anxiety… we shared that. We had so much that tied us together… I don’t know where it began to fall apart. I’m too late in trying to reconcile this now. But I need to at least say it.
I think I actually loved you. I mean, I already knew I did, as friends, and I said it a lot. But now I mean LOVED you. Like… I wanted to be with you. I may have mentioned it jokingly, or maybe even seriously once or twice. I may have seemed like such a naive girl. But I don’t care. I never wanted to be with anyone the way I wish we could have been. I know you really didn’t feel the same towards me. I was just the friend. Maybe it was because I was young enough that you thought I couldn’t fully understand something–what, I don’t know. Maybe it was something else.
James, I miss you. I love you. And I really wish I had called you before you killed yourself. At least to say it one last time.
7 comments
I’m sorry for your loss. It seems like you were an incredible friend to James. Your post is incredible… and I’m not sure what else to say. Thank you for being the type of person that you are… supportive and reflective. Those are two wonderful qualities to have in life.
I didn’t really speak to him much on here but I remember a particular conversation and his words were sutble and language delicate. I didnt know, no one ever knows until its too late. He was really cool. From what ive read I think he was cool in real life too. With the benefit of hindsight there are few on here who would have allowed it to happen even from the other side of the world.
I’m sorry. I wish I could say something else, but I don’t have much experience with this. Although I do understand the nonmutual love thing. That can be quite painful to bear.
i’m so so sorry:( I don’t even know what else to say except,i’m here for you always if you need to talk. i know that doesn’t always help. but for me,i think the best thing that helps me cope when someone passes away is just to remember how beautiful they are. I don’t believe the person is gone just because they aren’t here physically,and I believe he knows you love him.do everything you can to honor his memory.you can help so many people.
Don’t blame yourself,
I know it’s hard,
but he wouldn’t want you too xx
Hey hun… we should talk. Email me.
@everyone; ty for bothering to comment. I thought James was pretty well known on here and I didn’t really see anything on here for him…