journal

My counselor told me to write a journal. Then give someone I trust to read it. The thing is, I didn’t say I trust no one. There is someone I do kinda trust. I know he wouldn’t have the time to read it though. He’s a cop, and married with kids. He can’t carry it home. He can’t read it at work. So when then.

I’m worried that he might judge, or be over sympathetic after first being horrified that children actually go through shit, and people still walk around after pain.

I was molested by my brother. He was abused everyday by a schizophrenic mother. I got pregnant at 17. had an abortion. Pregnant at 18. Couldn’t earn enough money to take care of her, so became a call girl. Had to end up giving her to her father’s mom, because the dad flew out on me when I was pregnant.

When I lost her, I began drinking heavily. Then I started on crack. Was a high priced call girl with a drug habit. I met a man I fell in love with. Quit the drinking and drugs overnight. Thought I was in love. That he loved me. He hit me alot in the beginning. I got pregnant. Had another girl. When she was just three, he brought another woman in the house and told me to get out. Left with the kid. Told him I couldn’t find a place to rent and the family i was staying at couldn’t keep me there anymore. He told me come back.

Things went well for a few years. Got a job, and worked damn hard. Then he brought someone else. I refused to leave. They broke up, and we live like roommates now. I have to shoulder everything. He doesn’t help with a single bill. Must think he doesn’t have to, because it’s his house, and I don’t have to pay a cent in rent.

That was just a very brief overview. Very brief. All I have ever seen in my life is pain. I feel like I’m in a prison. It’s a good thing I don’t drive, because I would have driven over a cliff already. I have imagined in my mind how i would do it to. I feel so tired in the day. I said I wanted to die today. My coworker thought I was kidding> I can’t stop crying