Hello fellow SPers. Apparently my last post was on February 18th. A lot has happened between then and now. And yet, not a lot has happened. Catch my drift? I should say, a lot has happened to me emotionally and mentally since then. Has it ever. I surely didn’t expect to be depressed for this long. Or for it to get this far. To reach this point. How did I end up here? How could I have allowed this to happen? No. I shouldn’t say that. I shouldn’t be too hard on myself.
I had a mini breakdown this past weekend. I let my worrying and anxiety get so out of hand that I just broke down. I wouldn’t say it was a single cause or a single trigger. I think just a build up of everything over a long time led me to now. And I say *mini* breakdown for a reason. I think what happened with me on Saturday was like a prelude of sorts. I think that if I don’t take steps to fix myself, it will only get a lot worse until I have a real breakdown.
God, I’m getting chest pains just typing about it. Thinking about it. Thinking about this. One of my steps is to take it easy. I’m trying to relax a little. I’m trying my damnedest not to worry or over-analyze every situation. I have to constantly tell myself to stop worrying about something. And I have to do it seemingly every few minutes. The problem I’m now facing is what is the difference between just thinking about something and worrying about something? It seems like just thinking about something stresses me out. So maybe I shouldn’t think so much, or think at all. Then what am I supposed to think about? Ugh. Worrying hurts, thinking hurts, everything hurts. I don’t know why my brain is working against me. If I didn’t know any better I’d say it was trying to kill me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. I take deep breaths and let go of my thoughts. It’s the only way I can make it through the day. To just let them go. It’s so hard, but I’m making an effort this time. I’m really trying. I made a list of short-term goals for myself. Stupid little things I’d like to accomplish within the next few weeks. Something to look forward to. Something to cheer me up. Stuff I don’t need to worry about. I have to give my mom credit for that one. I know in my last post I was bitching about her. She can be cool sometimes. Anyway, my hope is that these little things will make way for bigger things as my mood improves. I don’t know if it will work. But it’s something. I need something, anything, to get me out of this fuckity mess. Yes, fuckity.
Uh, yeah, I think that’s all.
24 comments
Stress is the #1 killer in the US, it causes heart attacks, stomach ulsers ect. Its really good ur taking steps to calm down, Good luck :]
I can believe it. haha. It’s nearly killing me too. Thanks for the luck :]
Wow sucky, thinking to much especially about things that don’t really have a solution yea its tough. Especially when you don’t really have much going on externally to fill all the hours of the day. Without all the distractions that a “normal” life might offer, job, school, studying, going out with friends etc. You just end up spending way to many hours alone with nothing better to do then dwell on everything you think is wrong but don’t really know how to change. Not that I can really offer any advice that is pretty much my situation, half the time I just turn on some music and stare at the ceiling and just try not to think, which is of course pretty much impossible lol
There’s nothing like stress to kick your arse..hope you are feeling better for venting I’m stressed as well I’m trying to get off tranquilizers sound like you need some yourself…send me a self addressed envelope(kidding) lol I have been away from here for a bit as well not good to hear you are feeling so bad what’s been happening?
Hey there molly. I missed seeing you around. Although, I’ve just been lurking myself. I’m sorry to hear that you’re not doing so well. Can you just stop taking the tranqs? Yeah, I probably do need some tranqs, but I hate medication. As for what’s happening with me, well, I worry about literally everything. lol And it’s gotten really out of hand now.
oh yea and good luck with the short term goals and working up to bigger goals. That was really what I meant to say in the first place but somehow I got distracted by those other less encouraging thoughts and forgot lol
lol oh yeah, I can turn on some music too and I still find myself thinking. I’m at the point now where I can’t actually look for a job anymore because I need to work on my, er, “situation”. I’ve always been a huge worrier and over-analyzer, it’s just gotten worse. And like you say, there’s nothing to fill my time with anymore. At least before I had some time filler. So you’re in the same boat, eh? Isn’t it wonderful?
lol Well, thanks for your encouraging thoughts and your not so encouraging thoughts. Now who’s forgetful?
aw well I don’t know if its quite the same boat, I think I have pretty much given up on trying to make things better which is at least a lot less stressful. Time fillers are tricky I mean sure there are things I could do but I am far to lazy to do things simply for no better purpose then just to be “doing something”. Its hard to make goals when I can’t really think of much of anything I want or care about enough to make it worth the effort of working towards it. haha well I don’t think I ever said that I wasn’t forgetful also.
Ah, yes it’s quite different to have given up completely or almost completely. lol I’m lazy too. And I’m never really sure how to even fill my time. That’s wrong, I do fill my time, but it’s nothing productive. I do daily things and chores and emailing, haha, and it gets me through a day. But I have no real responsibilities. As for my goals and goals in general… they’re nothing spectacular right now. They’re stuff like, not worrying and getting out of the house more and buying new jeans. hah. I lost weight from being so depressed and now none of my pants fit. Anyway, I dunno, if a part of you hasn’t totally given up yet, maybe you could do the same.
haha wouldn’t it be cheaper to just buy a belt for your old jeans. Hmm depression for weight loss maybe you can market that it could be the next diet trend. It would appeal to all the people to lazy to exercise, since they won’t even really have to do anything.
Haha, oh, I do use a belt, but I think I’ve probably lost 3 sizes. It’s getting to be so ridiculous that my belts aren’t enough, they’re just too loose. Yeah, I could definitely market depression for weight loss. I’d make a killing. Before I was exercising and then I got depressed and then I didn’t want to eat, so now I just don’t see the point in exercising anymore, I think I’m thin enough. ha
haha well being thin is not the only benefit of exercise. Drill some more holes in those belts 🙂
I keep telling myself I should try to be healthier, lay off all the frozen foods and actually exercise once in a while. Not that I actually do any of that but I at least tell myself that I should. Not that I care so much about living a nice long life but I should try harder to make sure that I don’t end up adding any physical problems to all the mental ones I already have lol. Maybe one of these days I will steal that p90x series off the internet and try it out.
Yeah, you’re right. But I’m just soooo lazy. lol. Being thin is just a cover for my laziness. “Not that I actually do any of that but I at least tell myself that I should.” Haha, nice. It’s hard to get motivated for it. And even when you do it becomes a chore after some time and then it’s even harder to find motivation. Oh, but the frozen foods, yeah they’ll give you some clogged arteries for sure. Even if you don’t steal the p90x series, just plain ol’ walking goes a long way.
Hey gg no I can’t just stop the withdrawal is too bad I’ve been awake for two days now so I had to admit defeat and do as I’m told cold turkey is beyond my abilities…
Whoa, you’ve been awake for two days straight molly? Shit. That’s crazy. Yeah, my bad, I didn’t take withdraw into account. So how about gradually weaning yourself off of them?
walking you mean like go outside where there is sunlight and other people? ugh. Yea finding that motivation I think is the hardest part of doing anything. If you can’t find a strong enough reason to want to do something then is it really worth doing.
Yeah outside or what I was doing… treadmill. You don’t even have to leave the house to go for a walk. lol. Motivation is a big factor, and then sometimes you reach the point where your only motivation is “this has to stop, I’m doing something about it”. Sometimes people do it because they want to and other times it’s because they feel like they have to, or else.
Yep motivation can either be something positive you want, or something negative you want to avoid. Either way the key is whether the reward is worth more to you then the effort needed to get it. Yea treadmills are nice you can even watch tv or something during your walk then.
🙂 GoodGirl posted.
I’m going to have to agree with you – you don’t need to be so hard on yourself. I’m sad that you’ve been fighting depression for this long… :/
I think the “mini” breakdown should show you that you’ve really been bundling everything tight inside. And maybe this isn’t the best idea. Might need to let it out, to vent it, and talk to figure how to stop these things from building up time and time again… ‘Cause a MAJOR breakdown is no bueno either…. Just hoping it won’t be too bad – but rather not have things build up to that.
Meh our brains are not very nice to us. Love to make us over think, over analyze, worry needlessly, be hard on ourselves…etc etc. Fun stuff really. I think it’s a process to take control over it. I don’t think you should STOP thinking. Worrying is constantly fretting over something, thinking the worse…I think? I don’t know, I’m a poor dictionary/explainer in general. Can’t give you any ideas to stop thinking thoughts that cause pain…I haven’t found much either. I think others have already mentioned some things to change your thoughts, at least for a little while.
I’m glad you aren’t letting it all take you over. You’re breathing, that’s good. Trying to let it go, take it slow and get through the day. That’s awesome and definitely a start. I do hope your list, with “stupid” or not, of goals helps – I think that’s a good idea. Hope it works out for you…
Fuckity… I like it.
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Heyo Will. Yeah, remember when I told you not to be so hard on yourself? I figured I shouldn’t be so hypocritical and take my own advice. I’ve been extremely hard on myself for too long.
You’re right about me bundling things up inside. I always do that and then I end up kind of exploding. I vented to a couple of people and now I’m on here venting. To be honest, I feel a little better having vented on here as well. I didn’t think it would make a difference whether I did an SP vent or not. I shouldn’t hold anything in, especially for so long. ‘Cause you’re right, a MAJOR breakdown IS no bueno. haha.
Hm. Do you think it’s possible to take control of all of the worrying and over-analyzing and over-thinking? I mean, it seems like it can be controlled, but I haven’t been at it very long. And it’s difficult to stop. I don’t think I should stop thinking either, that’s not even possible anyway. I found the definition for worrying; “Give way to anxiety or unease; allow one’s mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles.” – so, yeah, you’re close enough. lol. I don’t know know how to stop thinking thoughts that cause pain. It’s how I came to the conclusion of not thinking at all. But that’s no good. And I keep going around in a circle with this until I’m worried about it. Ugh, I don’t know. I just find something else to focus on or some menial task that doesn’t require much thought. And keep telling myself not to worry.
Yeah, I can’t let it take me over. Unless I want one of those no bueno breakdowns. Thanks. So, how’s it going with you? Are you in school?
@att, hi.
Trying is the first step to anything so I commendyou on that.
@GoodGirl
So….been a while :l
Exploding isn’t all too good either. Well I’m glad that venting helps you, and that you agree that holding it in is no bueno 😛
I think it’s possible…for the most part. But I don’t think it’s something you can snap your fingers and achieve. Well that’s a good thing you can’t stop thinking lol, but worryin’ that can stop. Heh close enough eh? Awesome. What thoughts are causing the pain? Are there ways to stop the thoughts at the source or is not something you can really solve/fix? Bah, wish it was all a bit easier… Keep at tellin’ yourself you don’t need worry, that can be a fix for now I guess?
Heh, yea…I wouldn’t want to hear about you having some crazy no bueno breakdown… :/
Me? Same ol’ / worse. Idk. I’ve got less keepin’ me here. I’m in school, no too bad. Liking my Philosophy class, except it’s destroying the agnostic in me, and moving me to atheist.
Also I’m agreeing with one_day: I commend you on trying