I am a 39 year old woman. I have a roof over my head, four cats who love me and a fiance who begs me to move here from my home in Albany. I long to be a part of a family again. WE are both addicts though and I fear this will be done in vain. Im not sure what’s worse though…going home to my empty apt. where my children don’t live due to my depression, it’s dirty as I have given up the desire to clean, I don’t wash the way I did, make up and professional haircuts don’t seem anymore a priority than eating a good meal. My two older children sense this is where I’m heading. They have expressed they are afraid to come home in fear of finding me dead. Obviously Im not giving all details other than I’m just depressed.Depressed is a frame of mind that some are lucky to pull themselved out of. I can’t. The losses in my family haunt me,..the fact I am 39 and work for a Peer Agency rather a normal job makes it that much more vivid I have a mental illness and sometimes I welcome it….other times I loathe it.
My first suicide though came one night as I scoped around looking for where to hang the rope…fear sat in. what if it didn’t work and it broke? I wanted to end this pain as a cancer patient wants to end their life. All the therapy didn’t work…it was now up to me to pull myself out of my frame of mind as my daughter would say….but some anchor kept that depression at the bottom of my feet. I need help…I need to tknow that suicide is NOT the answer although four memeber in my family have already taken their life and rather than be angry…I am jealous.
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3 comments
Its very rare for a mother to commit suicide, not a lot of things can over power the maternal instinict, If you still have your kids and sounds like you have a man, and you still feel depressed all the time, it has to be chemical depression, that can be managed with the proper balance of meds.
I shall elabourate, your brain chemistry is must be gone haywire, because no mother can willing abandon her child unless under the infulence of drugs or theres an imbalance in the brain.
If you go to see a psychotherapist, they can prob get you better in a few months.
Omg…you get it!! My daughterr tells me over and over it’s a frame of mind and look at what I should be happy about….I used to be an avid drug user but no longer…I stopped, got a job, attended school and for a while the depression seemed to subside…but it comes back twice as bad. I wish I could just live in the present and be happy …deal with what lies ahead w/out being anxious and cope w/the past w/out being depressed. Something won’t allow it. I am a plethora of meds and recently tried ECT”s but didn’ finish them due to a fiasco going on at home that I needed to come home and rectify. I don’t know how much longer I can take this life. Some say life is what you make of it…i believe to an extent if you put yourself in bad situations what do you expect? I however am constantly trying to better myself as well as help those around me. Someday’s I am convinced the end is not far away now…
Thats good that your getting help for it, hopefully he meds will balance out and you can get back to your life again, Keep in mind it doesnt happen over night, its just a magic pill and your cured, it takes weeks or months to get right, but once you have the right course for you, you get your life back.
I have a few friends now who had very rocky roads to recovery, but there meds did balance over time and now they feel great again, Just hang in there.
You have alot to live for, one of the best pieces of advice someone gave me once was, Depression is just a state of mind, it will pass like hapiness and anger and love, there just states of mind.
SO the next time you feel depressed just keep telling yourself this wont last, this wont last, i will feel happy again soon.
Beacuse you will, you will see something funny or hear something funny, IT WILL PASS.
I know it helped me, but im like that, positve thinking helped me alot at my lowest points.
How long have you been sober, because it takes herione 18months to leave your system.
If you ever need to chat or just want to vent, or had a bad day you can email me, I will help you on the road to recovery if you want. Just click the little e nin blue next to my name.
Also i will say you have to tell someone in your family about these feelings, you have to talk about them, it will help, I know it does.
Peace 🙂