Love – Hate

I feel like dealing with not being loved is so much harder than dealing with an act of hatred or violence. I was molested as a child and beaten for years, but the scars that remain aren’t from those acts (which came from my brother), but from the fact that I never felt loved as a child by my father and brother. That’s the hurt that I have to live with and that has wrecked my self-esteem.

My father never did any fatherly things with me, like kick a ball with me, come watch me play, do homework with me or anything like that… He always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him, that I was a disappointment, that I was an embarassment to him. And all I did was try to impress him my whole life. I graduated with a First Class Honours degree in uni, but yet I feel worthless. But I feel like a loser because I didn’t play football at the top level like my dad and brother. I always felt like the loser child growing up, the inferior one, they never tried to support me or get behind me, even when I had trials to play football at the highest level growing up. Why didn’t they love me? I just wanted them to love me and to have a happy family life. But it was miserable. My parents were living separate lives for most of my upbringing, and eventually my Dad left (coincidentally as soon as my older brother had just left home for university). My Dad didn’t even have the love for me to sit me down and tell me he was leaving.

It all just leaves such open wounds in me. Not being loved is the most hurtful thing of all and it’s ruined my life.

D.