There were many “signs” that pointed to the relationship with my ex meaning(to my understanding) that she was the one mean for me. However, there are many ways that the “signs” could have been interpreted. For instance, her name appearing as a suggested friend on a networking site alongside her old lawyer’s could have meant we were to be together or it could have meant stay away from both the lawyer and her; randomly going out and hearing a performance of a song she sang, “Forget You,” could mean forget her; or standing beside someone and having them grab my hand and tell me to stop fiddling with my fingernails could have meant don’t “fiddle” with my ex anymore. But those “signs” could have meant the relationship was meant to be. I’ll never know exactly what they meant. I do know, however, that I love her — I want to be with her.
What I do understand is what Duke of Marmalade quoted from Stephen Hawking: “the whole history of science has been the gradual realisation that events do not occur in an arbitrary manner but that there is a certain underlying order, which may or may not be divinely inspired.â€
Yesterday, I found out that although I hadn’t tried to contact her, she’s seeking a permanent protective order. I’ll never see her again.
Today, after being hurt by something a friend said yesterday, I wrote to her explaining why what she said hurt me so. Because I tried to explain it in a way that she would be able to get inside my head and see my nightmare and dreams, I hurt her and know we’re taking a “break” from our friendship.
In regards to the protective order, I’m not going to do anything. I’m not going to receive the petition as I don’t have a permanent mailing address(I’m on the move a lot) and I’m not going to go to court when I find out the date. I’m not going to do anything. I’m not going to try to contact her again. Her new lawyer says she wants to move on with her life, but it seems to me that her pursuing this order when I’ve not tried to contact her only shows she can’t/hasn’t moved on herself. But there is nothing I can do to help her; I won’t try to contact her.
My life is falling apart even though I am trying to piece it back together. It’s falling apart because of my own actions even if those actions weren’t meant to be harmful to either anyone else or me.
My ex’s favorite play is Othello and I fear she believes I want her and my life to end the way it did in the play — Othello killing his beloved then himself. I could never touch her in such a harmful way.
I know most of this doesn’t mean anything but I thought I would post it so that anyone that has been following me would see my current place. Hope to hear from you all.