Love or Happiness. Choose (only) one.

So, here is my (quick) history:

I met a girl on the internet, via a social network. We talked a lot and decided to meet in person. We kissed and we did swear love forever to each other.  She lives ~250km from me, btw. We have been together since then, 4 years now.

A few months ago, we started to fight very often, everyday. We broke up a couple of month ago, but I came after her to try to reunite us again, like we used to. Well, it worked…for a while.

Like my title says, for now, I can’t have both. Though you guys may say that if you’re not happy that’s not love, I know that! But I just think that it’s a temporary condition and soon it will be over and we’ll be as happy as we were when we met 4 years ago. I REALLY hope that! We’ve been over so many things and we shared so many happy and unhappy moments together, the trust we had, that beautiful thing that you see on other couples.

Yesterday, the nightmare started again. I started a discussion about she disrespecting a friend of mine (she literaly called her a wh*re) and she started saying horrible things to me and that I should forget her and go with my friend, because I love her (she said), but if I loved her I wouldn’t gone 250km after her in the first place, right? Because that’s what I think about it! This friend of mine lives here, in the same town!  I know she’s jeaulous, but this is too far!

I love her so f*ckin’ much! I gave up some thing because of her and I just wanted her to do something like that for me or at least (I can’t find the right word here. Valued;valorize(?)).

If you are still reading, thank you! 😀

But the point here is, I’m very unhappy, under pressure because of somethings going on at home, very stressed. I’ve thru this “suicidal tendencies” before. I still think that the only way to relieve this pain is death, or an accident. Anyway, I’ve tried a few times and failed (like I did about a lot of thing in my life), I had a tube thru my nose and down to my stomach to retrieve some pills and it was kinda cool. I felt alive and “shiny” again, I noticed something that ordinary people wouldn’t.

I often punch and kick things up to relieve the anger/pain out of me but sometimes it’s just too much and I have to hurt myself in order to make it stop, to save me from myself. When I feel the pain that I inflicted myself, this physical pain, makes all the emotional pain go away! I feel like I gave myself another chance! And I hide the wounds/scars because I don’t want the attention of the people, I just want to drive that pain away!

I may say that I haven’t put much effort to kill myself because I know how much my mother loves me and I’d hate to disappoint her or make her suffer because of selfish act of mine! And also Jessica! The girl above! She also loves me, very much though and I don’t intend to make her feel like it was her fault! No! That’s not good! Although it is! At least a little.

I’m always thinking of new ways to make it look like it was an accident. But I really want it to look like an accident. That means I won’t throw myself in front of a car or under the tires of a passing truck, that would be too obvious! Maybe I was walking on the streets, listening to my music and, all of sudden, a “wild” car appears and hits me pretty well! That’s just one possible way, there’s plenty more out there! Like if I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and I trip on something and land my head on the wall or something on the ground! What a misfortune! “Poor unlucky guy!”. I could drive recklessy and hope to hit something that would kill me but that’s not a way! No, I don’t want to involve other people! They have nothing to do with this! This is my problem!

And I had to put it out somewhere! And I chose to do it here. Feeling much better now!