I’m so tired. I tell everyone I’m tired and they say I’m not being honest about the real issues. But they don’t understand how tired I really am. I’m tired in every sense of the word. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally tired. I’m trying to decide whether or not life is meaningless. I don’t know if that would just be a selfish method of self protection or if it is a valid thought. But I’ve been trying to assign meaning to it thinking that the world is a better place and my life will be more enjoyable if it is meaningful. But this is so damn depressing. I can’t count on anyone, not even myself. My friends dont answer the phone when I call. People just dont want me around. Nothing pans out. Everything is so disappointing. I have two jobs and for what? So I can sit alone in my dark little hole and cry every night? So I can feel rejected by anthing I find remotely safe enough to assign any type of meaning to? This world was not meant for me and my soul cannot bear this painful cycle. My mind destroys me from the inside out every day and it hurts and I’m so fucking tired. I’m so tired of fighting it and if the world is meaningless and these attachments that I’ve formed were out of my own naivity then whyyy continue to play this game. If there is no meaning to be found in the world than what meaning we give to it but any meaning given to the world is somewhat self sabotaging and disappointing then what the fuck is the point. I’ve tried. I’ve given it everything. I’m alone in my room far away from my family waiting for 10 a.m. to go to my pointless minimum wage cashier job where everyone thinks I’m fucking retarded anyways and I have nothing to look forward to and no one that wants me around. And I’m tired, and I’m done, and I have the means and methods to find peace and I will fucking have it. I think it’s so selfish of others to keep someone in the world who is constantly suffering and miserable.
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I hear you. I’m tired too. I wish you could take a time-out from life. Being buried under covers in bed is the next best thing.
To me, I find life to be a giant disappointment much like how advertisers sell you on something that claims to be the most amazing thing ever, then when you experience/buy it it’s totally disappointing. That applies to almost everything in life.
To be honest, you probably are tired. At the same time, people who don’t walk in your shoes probably don’t see it. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t tired… It just means that you know something they don’t. Things happen in life that zap the energy out of you. Sooner or later, your energy level is tapped. You feel drained… and others, who don’t face the same challenges, don’t know why or how you feel the way you do.
Working two jobs isn’t easy… Sometimes, working just one job isn’t easy… but you’re doing it. More impressive, you’re working a job that you don’t seem to like… but you continue to do it. That’s respectable. There are people who wouldn’t do what you’re doing.
What I didn’t see you write is the stuff that doesn’t drain you. What do you like to do? How did you wind up far from family? Is it possible to get closer if it will help you?
I don’t mean to ask so many questions… but only you have the answers as to what you need to do to make yourself happier. It would be really upsetting for someone with a solid work ethic and a good heart who does the right thing each day to end things prematurely. Perhaps there is another way. It won’t necessarily be easy… but I could probably argue it’s worth it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOoCixFA8OI
… and that YouTube song has over 3 million visitors… Impressive.
Cannot say exactly but some of your thoughts mirror mine.
I wish I could tell you that there life is more than we label it but i’d be lying.
I can tell you that maybe you will find something worthy of your time that enables you to keep going.
All depends on what you want.
I know exactly what you are feeling. I live on east coast time in the US and am looking for people to speak with on the phone late at night, this website totally confuses me and I do not understand how it all works, it scrambles my overwhelm and makes it worse, but I am trying to find others who know what this is like and we can support each other.
The last sentence I have said many times, to many people.
You wrote this in March and maybe you are feeling better, things are not as bad.
Whatever the case, I am so sorry for your suffering and really know what it is like.
Let me know if phone is a possibility.