Maybe the last letter i ever write.

Dear whomever this may concern, or those who may care,

You are probably wondering right now what you may have done to prevent this or if you even could. The answer is maybe, thought probably not, this decision in the end will be all mine and not yours, so no, it was probably going to happen eventually. I know that you are probably asking yourself why? Well, that is a very easy question to answer. It is because no matter how much people love you and try their best to give you solace, it is not enough to satisfy someone if they feel utterly alone in this world. I just can’t keep putting on a smile when inside all I want to do is lock myself in a box and let the world just forget that I even existed. A person can take only so much loneliness before it finally comes to a head and you can’t let it go on for any longer. I have spent many years locked away within myself and any attempt to reach out has been met with sympathy and false attention in the hopes of goading me into thinking that ‘hey it’s all going to be okay”. But, in truth it is not going to be okay for me. I have reached the end of my road. Despite the numerous attempts to create interest in myself amongst others I am still left with the feeling of no one really caring. My one goal in life was to find that one girl who would accept me for who I am and not give me the same sympathy which has been so rampant in my life. (I know that that is absurdly cliche, ‘everybody hurts’ as the REM song goes, but no one deals with it in the same way or for the same period of time.)  But, I don’t want sympathy, I want understanding and acceptance for being me not the caricature of me that I have been forced to show to the world to just be thought of as normal and not as that guy who you have to coddle and reaffirm just because you don’t want his death on your conscience. That is honestly the worse part of my situation, I know that tomorrow you will probably forget what happened the night before but, I can never forget, it is my life. You may leave me in a state of calm, happy that you have saved someone from the making a bad decision based on a “temporary” problem. But, all you will do is leave in a calm period in the middle of an ever present storm that is my life and a chronically deteriorating mental state. Yes, I know that some of you do care for me, and I thank you, you made my time on earth even the littlest bit happy in those dormant periods where I could momentarily fool myself into thinking that I am just moving down a road which would one day end and that I would eventually reach that ‘emerald city’ which I always saw in my sweetest dreams. But, now I’ve finally come to the realization that that is exactly what I was hoping for, a ‘dream’. My fondest wish was to have someone who cares about me, not because they have to by biological chemistry or proximity, but because they truly wanted to in absence of all that. I wanted a girl to care in the absence of biological imperative or in passing. Not because they did not want to have to spend their life feeling that if they did not show some compassion, some faux interest, that my ending of my own existence was in some part their fault. I spent many years trying to delude myself that such a person exist somewhere out there and that somehow, by the grace of god or whatever deity or higher power you believe in that that person would be placed in my path and that they would turn the tide and bring me home. Yet in the end, that search and the ever present failure has taken its final toil on me, what’s left of my confidence and my hope for an alternate ending to what I now see as a very pathetic and quite tragic life. To all those I will hurt with my deliberate passing I am so very sorry, I hope that years from now you will be able to look back and think of me in my good times and not let this event besmirch the fond memories you have of me, and the smiles you could illicit even in my darkest of days. This will be my choice and I pray that you will forgive me for what I will do. It was out of no fault or deficiency in you, but of such faculties in me. I love you all and wish you are able to move past me and find a tranquility in the fact that I am no longer a burden upon myself, that I am finally at peace and beyond the tribulations which have so conflicted me and troubled those around me. Hope that you all may fulfill your dreams and your wishes for life and may in time forgive what I have done. I am sorry, but this is the final choice in this life and I will be at peace with it and the consequences.

I’ve got some think to do. If I decide yes, good bye, I will miss you all.