It feels like such a monumental task to explain everything that got me to where I am today. I simply don’t have the energy to write it right now, if ever. I don’t know.
Lately I’ve just been letting the days go by, I keep hoping something good will happen and change the current situation I’m in. I’ll explain the tip of the iceberg.
On February 20th, my best friend named jackie was supposed to video chat with me that night. We had just gotten off a stressful video chat during my lunch break that day. A few hours go by, and it’s around midnight, and I notice that she’s not on skype. So I checked facebook to message her to go on, and her facebook has been deactivated. So I’m kind of freaking out, because she’s told me she’s suicidal as well, so I panicked and called her house several times when I probably shouldn’t have. She lives an hour ahead of me, so it would have been 1am there, and her parents would not have appreciated that. The next day, I called her house several times as well, because I was still afraid that something bad had happened. That night, february 21st, her father answered and said my name, but i accidentally hung up. So I called back immediately afterwards, and he said I would find out everything tomorrow. So on february 22nd, I received a call from the police station in her state saying that she was filing a harassment report against me. The officer told me that I was not to contact her, and that if I did that he would call the local police department in my area and have me arrested and then charged with harassment.
I actually looked this part up, and the officer had it mixed up. I assume he was trying to intimidate me just to reach the same conclusion of “Do not talk to this girl”. I would not be arrested. I would receive a court summons for the charges filed against me, and I would have to appear in the state where the offense occurred, which is in New York which is quite a drive for me. If I failed to show up, a warrant would be issued for my arrest. I would NOT be arrested immediately. I would have my day in court first.
Anyways, so two weeks go by. I’m completely destroyed. Because I’ve lost my best friend, who also happened to be literally my only friend. I’m on the edge of this cliff, and I’m one step away from suicide. Two weeks go by, and I send her two emails asking if I could simply just talk to her ONE TIME, just to clear things up for me and give me some peace of mind. The next day, while I’m at work, the police come to my house and speak to my parents. The police said that they were concerned for me because apparently I had told jackie that I wanted to commit suicide (which I DID NOT), and that her parents were considering pressing charges against me. They said that if I continue to contact her, that charges will be filed. I wasn’t here when the police were at my house, this is all stuff that my parents told me. So, I’m in complete disbelief that she actually went to the police with this, instead of simply calling me and talking to me one time.
This may be a bit confusing since there’s a lot of information missing. Some facts that would help: Me and her have been internet friends since october of 2008. She’s been my best friend since early 2009. We were EXTREMELY close friends since then. We’ve never met in person. The point I wanted to make was, I’m not some internet predator out to rape her or anything. She is my best friend, and I care deeply for her. I care about her more than I care about myself, or even my own family. My priorities are probably screwed up, but that’s honestly how it is. Her parents think I pose some serious threat to her, I actually have no clue if Jackie genuinely wants me to leave her alone or not because I haven’t received any word or contact from her at all. It could be that her parents are forcing her to file this report against me, I don’t know. I just need to speak to her one time to find out. I don’t have much time left. If she’s truly abandoned me, then I guess I’m done. I’m going to contact her one last time over the internet, probably through youtube or email again. If she tells the police again, that wouldn’t be good for me. I would then have one last shot to contact her.
I absolutely hate being alone. And I don’t mean that phrase literally, because I’m around people a lot of the day. The kind of “alone” I’m talking about is being alone with my mind. I have no one to express any thoughts, feelings, opinions, or ideas to. I feel like I can’t breath. I have literally no friends in real life. I’m so sad.