Apparently everything I feel is wrong. What I feel towards her is all wrong. It isn’t love that I feel towards her, but something else entirely that is unknown to me. Is it obsession? So be it. Because it is only obsession, even when she and I were in and relationship what I was feeling towards her was wrong because what I felt then is what I feel now. Only, now the added weight of missing her has been added to the mix. But, wait. I can’t miss her because what I feel is wrong. So, I don’t miss her. And if I don’t miss her then what the hell is it that I am feeling.
Could it be loneliness. That is possible however for the better part of my life I’ve spent my time alone. Sure, I’d be around people but I’d never let them in close enough for me to truly be next to them. One winter holiday I spent the entire break in my room reading; I only came out to eat or use the restroom. Some summers I spent the entirety of the break in class; when I got home I was studying; I didn’t spend time with people. So if I’m used to be alone, how can I be lonely? Especially after something that only lasted three to four months. But, I guess I’m wrong about all of this…
The story I told her about the afterlife and being saved could make one believe I was looking for a codependent relationship. It’s a story about devotion, complete devotion. But, I don’t want a codependent relationship — I never wanted that. If anything every relationship I’ve had(or wanted) has been counterdependent. IÂ hateÂ depending on people and I try to avoid it altogether. But, I guess I’m wrong about that too. She was right in saying I wanted a co-dependent relationship. She was right in saying that I’m a quitter. Those were the only reasons she gave me; in a three and a half hour phone conversation that’s all she could say so she must be right.
Why is it that I have to lose everything that I want, but I can never be sad about it or angry about it because there are people that are worse off in the world?
I don’t want to be with anyone else but her and because I can’t be with her I’m wrong. Then people say: it’s your choice. But they say it with a portentous quality like I’m doing something wrong. I don’t know what it feels like to lose the love of my life? I don’t know what it feels like to feel my “heart” ripped from my chest, my body enveloped and permeated with pain, my mind screaming because all reality is gone and the only thing I know to do to try to restore grace is to kill myself.
Deep down I know I’m not a quitter, but then I know I’m wrong because I’ve quit everything; I haven’t worked for anything in my life. I’m tired of losing. I’m tired of people making decisions for me because they think it best. I’m tired of people saying “I don’t want you to change” when people change every moment.
I just want one thing. But wanting only that one thing shows just how permanently wrong I am.Â So, then I should know that I shouldn’t want it. How does one tell their heart “no”?