Never, Never, Never, Give Up

On March 12, 2006, I faced a difficult decision; whether or not to commit suicide.

For some reason, when I hear others share this about themselves, I sometimes think they’re just seeking attention. I know it’s crazy, especially since I’ve been there myself.

For me, the process was a slow fade. After years of struggling with alcoholism, a failed marriage, lost job, flunking out of college, and just a severe dislike with life in general; I had reached my bottom. I had resigned to the idea, many years earlier, that life was just something to endure, and that I would never know how to be happy. Plus, any chance of getting better just seemed like a lot of hard work and I just wasn’t sure if I was up to it anymore.

A lot of people tried to help, but there wasn’t really anything they could do. I sent them all away trying to make sure their conscience was clean. Of course I never shared with anyone what I was thinking of doing, but I know many were worried about me. Especially my family, but in the end, it was only me.

So in a loft apartment I figured I’d make my final stand. With a liquor store a few blocks away, I was in heaven and hell. When it came down to it, I was just simply tired. Tired of myself, life, and I just wanted all of the fear, regret, and guilt that was SO consuming in my head to stop. Eventually I became so weak that I couldn’t even leave the apartment. So once the moment arrived and I knew I needed to make a decision and figured death would be easy, and knowing that living was hard, something popped in my head.

On a trip to Russia my senior year in high school my mother had put a small card in my luggage that I later found. It read, “Count to five and keep yourself always safe and alive. The greatest gift a child can give is that they’re parents they outlive.” At that moment I realized, if not for myself, I should try life again. I often wonder if not committing suicide was the first real unselfish act I’ve ever done.

That was a little over six years ago. My life is so amazingly different and wonderful today. After really choosing life, everything else has just been gravy. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been hard work (12 step programs, therapists, counseling, books, etc.) all hard work, but I put everything into living and the reward has been incredible.

Today I’m happily married to the most amazing women. I found her because I found myself.

“Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are.”
-James Allen (As A Man Thinketh)

If I had to put into words that which was the most important, it was surrendering. Surrendering to the idea that I could not (and didn’t have to) fix myself. That it was narcissistic thinking that I was so unique that no one would understand. Once I made the decision to try again, I sought help from anywhere and everywhere. NOTHING was too hard to try. For me, that consisted with dealing with a lot of stuff (addiction, bills, relationships, childhood, sexual issues), etc. The first thing I did was return to a alcohol treatment center I had already been through 2 times previously. Thank God they took me back again.

I’m even a grandfather now through marriage; it’s the most amazing thing. I wasn’t even sure if I would ever have or want children, but it’s all worked out amazing. Since I have also finished my undergraduate and graduate degrees and have a great job and love traveling and SCUBA diving.

Regardless of how “hard” the work may seem, it does and can get better. One minute, one day, and one step at a time. And just realize that no matter what you’re going through, you’re never alone. Just keep trying. Never, never give up. That is my wish and hope for you.