No present and no future.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m stuck in my past and it’s ripping me apart. I don’t have anyone I can talk to or trust. I feel like if I don’t tell anyone about what I’m struggling with then I’ll suffocate. I’m so sorry for posting this but I just can’t do this alone anymore.

I’m in my last year of High School. I have been bullied since Grade 4, but the bullying didn’t get really bad until Grade 7 (Junior High). I’ve had bottles, dirty socks, money/coins, bags, food, paper, just about anything you can think of, thrown at me. I’ve been called nasty names like 5 cent whore, skank, *****, slut, etc. About halfway through Grade 7, I told my mother, 3 teachers and an Assistant Principal about the bullying, every single one of them told me to ignore it and it would just go away, some of them even told me it was my own fault. I was sexually harassed for four years. I was afraid to tell anyone because I was afraid to hear the words “it’s your own fault.”

It’s my last year of High School, I’m still bullied, just not as frequently. I’ve never had a friendship last more than three months. I can’t trust, I don’t trust. I have no friends, I have trouble speaking with people. I come home after school and either go straight to bed so that i don’t have to think or i go in the bathroom, turn on the shower and sit in it and cry. I think i’ve developed some sort of eating disorder. I often don’t eat for days, no one notices. I feel disgusted with myself when I finally do eat. When I walk to and from school, i often pick out places where i think it would be nice to die, they wouldn’t find me too early but they wouldn’t find me too late, kind of places. I’ve looked up ways to kill myself and have attempted to kill myself twice (sadly, i failed both times). My family never took note. I don’t want to be here anymore, i’m so tired. I’m tired of these negative thoughts, I’m so tired of not caring, or not trying. I want to get better but all i can think about is just dying. I wouldn’t even be missed because no one knows I exist. Maybe that’s the problem, I never existed in the first place.

I just want to move on past this point. Is eight years not long enough to suffer? If I kill myself, it will all go away but if i’m found out it will only make everything worse.