No where else to express this,

I don’t come onto this website to plead for your guys’ sympathy. Just want to get that out there.
I reach out to this website because I have absolutely no-one to tell in real life. I don’t enjoy harsh words towards me when it is about my problems, how I feel, or how “stupid” my situation sounds. But I do choose to post them instead of just erasing them because I love to hear your input, and perhaps even gain a friend or two from it.

Anyhow~  I just want to go on the longest rant of my life. And share some stuff. I’ve been depressed for a little over 3 years now. I know that’s little compared to some, but keep in mind I am 16. Almost 17. Throughout the 3 years I have resorted to things I am not proud of. I always stuck to my gun and said, “I will never be a smoker like my parents.” But once the trigger started I began smoking weed. I don’t anymore, because of something that had recently happened. Last November my dad was hospitalized for a month because he needed open heart surgery. I know it happens lots, it still hurt. He has been a smoker all of his life. A few hours after he had his first operation, the surgeon was called in immediately because they had found he was internally bleeding. He was going to die if they couldn’t find what was wrong. To my luck they did, not easily. My father is a big part of my life. He was always a man I could look up to. He promised me he would never smoke again, and I trusted him. About a month later I caught him smoking. I know it is a hard habit to give up, but I thought he would try a little harder. After throwing one of the biggest temper tantrums of my life I have never really looked at him the same. I hate it. I can’t help it. I love him, but I can’t bring myself to believe anything he says anymore.

Onto another topic, I’ve never really told anyone what brought on my depression. This is probably the only time it will ever be put onto the internet for all to see. Three years ago, I liked this boy. Like any other teenage girl. He was amazing, my favourite person to  be with. We’d always sneak out just to hang out, and spend time together. He was 3 years older then me, but age has never really mattered to me. And it’s not that much. One night I decided I didn’t want to be at home. I asked my parents if I could go to my friends house. They agreed and dropped me off in town to go to her place. Little did they know I actually went to spend the night at his house. I’m not a whore, nothing REALLY happened. All he did was kiss me. I’ve regretted it ever since. We had been friends for so long. He had a girlfriend =/ That has always bugged me. But she was so mean to me, at the time I never cared if he did or not. She never found out. But basically the day after that night, we stopped talking. I haven’t hung out with him since. We haven’t had a real conversation since. He just lost interest like the rest of the girls he’s been with. So I get it, oOoOoOoOo such a sad story. It get’s worse in my opinion. I liked this boy more then I had ever liked anyone. I told my BEST friend all about it. We cried, she felt bad for me. Etc. A little over a month later, she had sex with him. She finally came out and told me. Why? Because she said she was pregnant. I lost my mind. That was more then enough stress to put on me after I had lost him as my best friend. I isolated myself from so many people after that horrible night. I had taken up the habit of cutting. Which I continue to do to this day. I am not proud of it, it is an addiction that I do not know how to stop. But wow, that feels good to get that all out. I have never told anyone that. Don’t think these two little events that have happened, are the source of my unhappiness & cause of wanting to give up on life. They’re not. They’re just the things that bug me most.

This isn’t all I wanted to post, but my hand is beginning to hurt…  I may post again tonight, or maybe tomorrow. I don’t know. But to those of you who took the time to read this random truth rant; Thank you.