Why am I such a stupid fuck? I really cant stand myself. 2 hours by myself and I’m “in a mood” again. Wasn’t even contemplaiting suicide this morning because I was working a bit and suddenly, like a fingersnap, I just want to die. I remember that I despise myself. And that I’m the most disgusting monster on the planet.
I like being by myself, because I can do whatever I want. But I guess I really need distraction. Especially if I havent smoked weed yet. Thought I should smoke less so I didnt smoke yet. (no thats a lie I tell myself, I didnt earn enough money to buy my weekly supply since I wanna go out next weekend, fuck). I thought I could go a few hours without, but no.
Didnt really work this morning either, because Im stupid I guess. Just sent some emails and prepared myself for my appointments today.. I got an appointment in one hour with “my slut”. Thats what he likes to call himself. It really disgusts me. I dont like submissive men. (I dont have a problem with it though, I just rather not have them because I’m not into it I guess).. I actually think Im gonna need a few shots to get through this afternoon.