Note
Tonight, I am going to end my life. What follows is the only memorandum I will leave in my absence. Forgive me for the lengthiness of this ‘note’, but just in case there are those who are left confused or puzzled by the decision have I have taken, this writing should clarify the choice I have made.
For the best part of 20 years I have been physically and mentally abused by my family, namely my mother and sister. For the past two or so years, I have been living alone (but not independently), and for the past year I have been, health-wise, in a state of rapid decline. As I write this my current state of physical health is poor, yet it is nothing compared to the shattered remains of my mental state of mind.
I have long been suffering from undiagnosed social anxiety disorder, and it has crippled me terribly ever since I left home. Shopping for food in a supermarket has become a nightmarish experience, and trivial everyday occurrences for most, such as catching the bus to work, have become ordeals. I find it difficult to hold on to any job I latch on to. The long period of time spent out of school has compromised my ability to think properly, and working under pressure only serves to worsen my social phobias. My poor mental health coupled with my now fragile physical state have rendered me alienated and outcast from most any social circle. Increasingly, I have also come to realize I may suffer from a learning disorder. Whether this is some form of dyslexia / ADHD I cannot say, but I have noticed it is becoming increasingly difficult to remain focused on simple tasks, absorb information and understand even basic concepts.
My hardest struggle in this life has always been, however, a series of very unfortunate physical compromises, and it is what follows that ultimately killed me.
I have a very unusual and unattractive physical appearance. I have a deformed and flared out ribcage making me look pot-bellied, a huge number of skin tags and large, unsightly moles and Vitiligo that has been spreading all over my body since birth. Apart from all the abnormalities that can be taken at face value, I also have functional compromises. I have what is called Peyronie’s disease. Possibly only urologists will properly understand this, but the curvature is very bad, is untreatable by surgery and due to the nature of the curvature I am unable to… yeah. Last but not least, I am completely impotent and always have been.
My absolutely startling and repelling physical appearance, coupled with my inability to actually be physically intimate with another has destroyed any chance of finding a life partner and thus my will to persevere, work hard and achieve in this farcical life I have been given.
My only regret upon leaving the living state is that I have in some sense, swindled and needlessly burdened those few who saw potential in me, and have stuck by me for the past six months. I truly am disgusted at myself for having burdened you and ‘led you on’ for so long, but not as disgusted as I am with this life, this world, and most of the other people in it.
Closing comments: **** you, **** me, and **** everyone and everything. This life is meaningless, there is no god, and I hope everyone suffers as I have suffered.
Adieu.
9 comments
I’m sorry for your pain. Please think about this carefully. Perhaps there is another way to solve things. If you need to talk, many of us will listen. My thoughts are with you.
Sorry to hear it 🙁
Your life sounds even worse than mine.
I hope you get the peace you seek.
Hey are you still around? I want to talk with you, please.
That is horrible. Horrible that people can’t get beyon the physical, and that their callousness in turn has caused your callousness. I wish your closing words were not ones of hate, but maybe it’s only fitting. I hope you find peace one way or other
You still have options. You don’t have to do this. The physical abnormalities can surely be fixed. Try second opinions. You really don’t have to do this. If you are still around i’d like to talk to you too!
Kcmm, we would all love to hear more before you mike this absolute decision…but I hope you find what u need…
Like everyones been tellinq you,I hope you find peace.And when you SEE God,tell’em to help the people on the suicide project out,were tired of sufferinq just as you are as well.
I thought about commenting or not, but here’s what I have to say, take it or leave it. I think you sound somewhat older than a teenager, I might be wrong, but I am really really tempted to judge you and tell you to harden the eff up because you have some health problems that limit your life. I have a woman friend who has ms. I don’t know if you know what that is, but its a horrible disease, and she can barely walk now. She has suffered with not being able to walk (using a walker) for over ten years. Imagine that, and still wanting to have sex and have a normal relationship! She can’t go to the bathroom like normal people. She just got a wheelchair this year, and its sad to think she will be in it soon, but she has always been so vibrant and kind, teaching people astrology and yoga breath techniques. But I won’t judge you, or compare you to her. I feel embarrassed to be near her often. I’m just giving you a different view of things. You are responsible for your own sense of satisfaction with yourself. I just hope selfishly, not just for your sake, but for the sake of everyone else whose life also touches yours, that you will reconsider a brazen act of violence just because you have health and mental problems that are difficult to manage.I could tell you intricately about my body problems too, but its not the point. I would like you to feel like you can rise above them anyway. Most of us can’t I know. Many of us are simply beyond help, in terms of feeling love for the earth and compassion for others. Maybe you can see there is compassion in your heart anyway, despite your physical limitations. Good luck and take care…
i’m so sorry your struggling so much.:( it breaks my heart whenever I hear of someone in so much pain.:( i’ve been sick a lot in my life (a brain tumor and anorexia) and my body sometimes feels like a prison. but we’re so much more than that,just our physical bodies. i hope you won’t give up. i’m 19,and the past 15 years have been really hard,there were several times I didn’t think i could get through it anymore,but i did. i hope you’ll hang on with us,i’m always here if you want to talk and i know the other people here are too. please don’t give up. i know it hurts so much to be in a body that is sick,and i know i don’t understand fully what you’ve gone through. but your never alone,theres so many people on here who want to be there for you and send you love and help you feel better. don’t give up finding help for your ailments,there has to be someone who can help in some way. my friend has vitiligo,and she’s always felt bad about it,she used to say it was scars to get people to stay away from her. but she’s beautiful.(and i’m not just saying that either. she’s gorgeous,and I don’t even see her vitiligo anymore,it’s just a part of her,like some people have freckles.)it took her awhile to realize it too,but she did,and she’s with a great guy right now. I know there is treatments though,have you ever heard of a sunlamp? please don’t give up and keep in touch with us.