organ donor

I wrote that on my arm last time I was on a psych ward, and then was about to take my life when the girl with learning disabilities across the hall from me came and knocked on my door wanting me to do her nails. She had been through so much and we were friends, she really didn’t deserve to have to watch me be brought out in a body bag which would have happened right outside her room. So I held on for a while and now I feel the same hopelessness again, the same desperation I just wish there was a way to be found in time so that my organs could be used. I don’t even know if regulations allow it, I know its more likely if I get found in a coma which they can’t bring me round from and then put me on life support or something. But the risk of being saved is pretty shitty.

I have been suicidal since I was about 10, I took my first overdose at 13 and it really has never gotten any better, same shit different age. I put a lot of thought into it and realised the only thing that is stopping me, the only thing is that I haven’t done enough to help others in this life. Its not been a worthy existence. I’ve only ever tried to be nice and kind and do the right thing, I have made a mess of things regardless and I have suffered in this bubble of misery for so long. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder a few months ago which basically feels like a life sentence to me, even though I have self awareness and the intelligence to know that my emotions are skewed and my perception is warped I can’t seem to hold it together to live a normal life. The misery seeps out of me and affects others. My boyfriend is distant to me now he is bored with my hysterics and I’m left thinking well yeah I’m sick of it as well. He’s going into the army, that will make him even more regimented in his thinking and he’ll be even less tolerant of my emotions. He’ll fuck off to Afghanistan for months and months and I’ll worry like hell about him and he’ll come back with no patience for an illness that I’ve never managed to get a hold of.

I am so alone in this, there is absolutely no one I can turn to without being judged or burdening them. I have tried desperately hard to cope and to deal with this by myself but it just repeats itself and I can’t be bothered anymore. My future is very bleak and my past haunts me on a daily basis I have such horrible memories so many regrets. I just want out. It seems inevitable to me.