I am in debt so far over my head that i’m afraid of everything. i don’t answer my phone because it is always the bank. i shred my mail without reading it.
I have watched myself do terrible  things to people i supposedly loved for no reason with no way to stop it and it will happen again and again. no reasons, just pain and anger and manipulation. words i can never take back. i strangled my ex until  i could feel his pulse in my hands and i wanted so badly to kill him for what he’s done.
I’m so broke I started doing porn and it makes me feel like a used-up jizz rag. I want to quit but then I wouldn’t be able to afford my apartment anymore. my roommate is leaving anyway and i know i can’t make the rent without her.
My best friend died, he wanteed me to die with him but i didnt understand. i didn’t save him and he died alone waiting to ‘see me in the afterlife’ and i wonder if he’s cold or scared or lonely or if he’s disappointed in me.
i’m 20. no stranger to pain, no angsty kid. this is all i know.
My boyfriend is afraid of me. I’m too moody and hard to talk to. I lash out and break things. tonight i tried to kick him out of the house again. no reason behind it, just rage. I left instead. no shoes, just a wifebeater and pajama pants, walked as far as i could. i didn’t know where to go because i’ve alienated my friends beyond repair. i came home and sat in a freezing bathtub. i don’t know how long but my hands are swollen.
please say it’s alright. please say i can rest in peace and be forgiven for the pain i’ve caused.
6 comments
It’s not okay, not rite now lying only makes it worse i have such a horrible temper i know what thats like you need help and i know its shit coming from me because if you could afford help the bank wouldnt be calling rite i want to tell you everythings okay because i want it to be okay for me too but reality is that its not okay it might not ever be okay not until you fix what you broke and clearly you are not in a state to do that so i hope you come on here to vent and only vent and i hope that things will start to look up for you and of course i always welcome you to write me if you want someone to listen and be honest because i dont sugar coat it baby lifes a *****
Hello SwimAway,
It’s okay…it’s alright…and you’re already forgiven…by everyone and everything except for you. Does it get easier…I won’t say that…but I do have a passle of coping skills. It is pretty obvious to me where your anger comes from…do you know? I know where mine comes from…and I could so relate….I had a boyfriend when I was 15….he asked a friend to take care of me while he was in prison…and boy did he ever…lol…but when my boyfriend came home…I dunno…angry…one day he was sitting on the couch watching TV when I walked in….and I tried to control myself…but couldn’t…I walked over and gave him a round-house kick to the side of the head…ripped the diamond earring out of his friggin ear…never seen again…I’m surprised I didn’t kill him…I really wanted to…but then he wouldn’t have been around for me to abuse for years after. Years later, we hooked back up again…and I caught him with my cousin…and best friend??…lol…but I still love her…just don’t trust her with men..hahaha…anyway….I went to his place and knocked on the door….he answered….but wouldn’t let me in….what the fuck…so I grabbed him…threw him over the porch railing and ran up the stairs…to find my cousin cowering in i corner behind a table…trust me…she never touched the table…and she hit the opposite corner of the room….I beat hell out of her….and then wiped my feet on the boyfriend on the way out and left….but I was still angry…so when I got home…he called…I quietly went out back and starting tearing up furniture with my bare hands…but still angry…blind with anger….and I hear someone at my front door…my roommate and sister told me the next morning…apparently I went out in the street…beat the crap out of him…left him lying under the street light….smashed the front window of his Camaro…walked back in the house…and went to sleep…finally calm….but then the guilt…because I was only doing to him what was done to me. Many many years later….he located me again…I think it was about 8 years ago….and again…man…talk about a volunteer punching bag….but it never got that far….Why are you so mean to me?…Why is everyone so mean to me? I said do you really want to know?…You ask for it….why I’ll never understand…but you definitely ask for it….the conversation went on…he informed me that he knew where I lived and he had a handgun….well…obviously I’m still here….that is the worst part of living that life….anger and a death wish….was I scared?…unfortunately no…and that is what keeps us safe…our natural fight or flight response to danger….my flight was all gone….all that was left was fight…and I did….for many,many years…but finally in my 30’s I got the chance to start the healing journey…and it began with a counsellor from the Sexual Assault Center in my area….what a Godsend. I suppose you are an addict as well…sorry if I’m wrong…but that is the norm I’m afraid…an escape…right…but for how long?…and escape to what…worse?…I hope you don’t give up…I hope you learn to stand up for and value yourself again….but if not…no worries…you are already forgiven.
Blessed Be
Amakua
I don’t think you’re in a state of mind that’s allowing you to make the best decisions with your life. I wouldn’t make such a big decision on a tank that was running on anything less than full.
You have to rationalize with yourself, as hard as it is. You can turn this around. If you want to talk, you can email me. We’re of the same age, and near same temperament/attitude.
I look for the same thing that you do. I try to justify it to myself, everything I do is working towards making it more okay for me to kill myself. And the truth is, it’s never going to be okay. I’m always going to hurt people, there’s a good chance I’d fail, and I can’t ignore the overwhelming amount of support I get (when I reach out for it) even after I’ve ceased regular communication with the outside world. People care about you. I care about you after reading that.
I have a gambling problem, drink problem…. and as a result a huge debt problem. Don’t worry about the stuff you have done and don’t feel ashamed. Research financial advice on the Internet. In the UK you can declare yourself bankrupt and the slate is wiped clean after a few years.
I was in that state hid everything from my wife but my rock bottom came when the bailiffs came to our house, I did have time to sort but did not as my wife was poorly and did not want to put this on top of her worries, we owed thousands but got help from the CAB, the strain on our marriage was hard but from then I have been honest and everything is ok e mail if you need to talk
Amakua.. That was a long message. And wow swim. It looks like your in some shit..