I am in debt so far over my head that i’m afraid of everything. i don’t answer my phone because it is always the bank. i shred my mail without reading it.
I have watched myself do terrible Â things to people i supposedly loved for no reason with no way to stop it and it will happen again and again. no reasons, just pain and anger and manipulation. words i can never take back. i strangled my ex until Â i could feel his pulse in my hands and i wanted so badly to kill him for what he’s done.
I’m so broke I started doing porn and it makes me feel like a used-up jizz rag. I want to quit but then I wouldn’t be able to afford my apartment anymore. my roommate is leaving anyway and i know i can’t make the rent without her.
My best friend died, he wanteed me to die with him but i didnt understand. i didn’t save him and he died alone waiting to ‘see me in the afterlife’ and i wonder if he’s cold or scared or lonely or if he’s disappointed in me.
i’m 20. no stranger to pain, no angsty kid. this is all i know.
My boyfriend is afraid of me. I’m too moody and hard to talk to. I lash out and break things. tonight i tried to kick him out of the house again. no reason behind it, just rage. I left instead. no shoes, just a wifebeater and pajama pants, walked as far as i could. i didn’t know where to go because i’ve alienated my friends beyond repair. i came home and sat in a freezing bathtub. i don’t know how long but my hands are swollen.
please say it’s alright. please say i can rest in peace and be forgiven for the pain i’ve caused.